


I Promise This Is Personal

by kissability



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Awsten Is Feminine, Awsten is Sorta Bratty, But Soft Punk, Can I tag this as Pastel/Punk? I think I will, Eventual Smut, Everything seems great but it's not, Fluff, Geoff Is Punk, Key: Minor, M/M, Minor Character Death, Openly Aggressive Awsten, Passive Aggressive... Everyone, Pastel Awsten and Punk Geoff, Rape/Noncon tag is for past, There are non-graphic flashbacks, tw: suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2018-12-13 13:22:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 35,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11760780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissability/pseuds/kissability
Summary: Awsten Knight is a loud-mouthed asshole who wears skirts, seemingly couldn't give a fuck, and can pack a goddamn punch.Geoff Wigington is a fairly reserved punk kid who although has been through some shit, still manages to shut up and sit tight - unless of course, you're being an annoying prick.The first time the two collide isn't the meet-cute that everyone in teen movies dream of, involving  an extra-large slurpee, a pleated skirt and a giant bruise.However, instead of the original choice to just ignore and push past it, they're forcibly re-acquainted through a class project that accounts for 20% of their grade. Maybe overtime they would mutually agree that one another isn't so bad - or maybe they wouldn't.





	1. I'm Collateral Damage

**Author's Note:**

> day before spring break. saturday night.

Awsten was having a really shítty night. It wasn't the worst he'd ever had, but it definitely wasn't the best either.  
He had failed his biology test, which his mom and himself had fought over when it was still bright outside, and the movie Zakk and himself had decided to see tonight sucked. He just felt like utter shít, and he just wanted to go home. His mind was going back and forth between sadness and complete anger.

It was getting annoying. all these feelings bouncing back and forth in his head, so Awsten ultimately decided on both. It was better than dealing with them back and forth, he'd guessed. Both was good. Everything was fine.

It didn't help that Zakk's hands were practically dripping in sweat though, currently interlocked with his own. Awsten could feel himself getting extremely uncomfortable at the feeling.

"God, your hands are so sweaty. What the fück's up with that?" Awsten asked his sort-of boyfriend, gritting his teeth as they stepped out of the screening room, tossing out the empty popcorn container.

He always tended to sound bitchier than he actually was internally, just something about his tone of voice changed massively. Then again, maybe it was just because he tended to act this way around people he didn't know well - it was kind of funny in this case, really, as he'd known Zakk for a good five months now, four of them dating on and off, and he still didn't even know his favorite color.

He was always snarky, yes, but generally he didn't take himself so seriously. He didn't seem to carry himself as, well, selfish. Or quite as bratty. He knew that he really was lying, to pretty much all of his school, but it was too late to just suddenly confess to his entire school that he actually lived off welfare, and he didn't live in a fucking mansion or have any servants. Unless the rats in the two-bedroom apartment he shared with his mom counted.

"I don't know, babe. Have you ever considered maybe your hands are also sweating bullets?" Zakk asked him, chuckling. Awsten didn't understand who Zakk was, thinking it was him who was sweating like that, as Awsten was pretty sure the brown-black haired boy's fingers were getting wrinkly at this point.

"Shut up, it can't be me. I moisturize." Awsten scoffed, removing his hand from Zakk's grasp and wiping them hastily on his sweater. The only good thing about this night was his new skirt that he currently had on, along with a purple sweater. It sounded sort of pathetic, but it was accurate for today.

He'd been saving up so long for it... it was the most beautiful, perfect thing he'd ever laid his eyes on. It was blue and pleated and fitted his style so well he just assumed it was fate that they'd be together. The fifty dollars was so worth it for this piece of art, even if it was worth half of his weekly paycheck that he normally contributed to the bills. He'd been saving five bucks out of his paycheck for the last two months and finally, he'd gotten around to buying it. It was perfect.

They had turned the corner awkwardly, Awsten lost in his own thoughts, and although he'd never admit it, he was seriously just thinking about his skirt because it was the only thing preventing him from a mental breakdown at the moment.

But then, his night was officially ruined, because as soon as he turned that dastardly corner, a short stranger had crashed into him, and this short stranger in a stupid leather jacket decided to get a fücking slurpee, bright red in color and a bitch to get out of clothes. And fate decided that stupid fucking red dye #4 would spill all over his brand new, beautiful, pleated skirt.

Awsten wanted to fuckíng scream. He could feel it soaking through the material, and dripping onto his bare legs. He just stood there for a second, mouth wide open in shock. Why? Why did god hate him?

The stranger opened his mouth, stepping back in shock. "I'd watch where you were going if I were you." He laughed awkwardly. Awsten felt his face get bright red, mouth still hanging open.

A wave of pure rage washed over him. Part of Awsten knew that it wasn't exactly the kid's fault, but before he could really think, his right arm was in the air and already heading towards the punk boy's left eye, and there was no stopping it. Awsten felt his fist and the boy's eye connect, which admittedly hurt him, a lot. He was definitely going to have some bruises on his knuckles in a day or so. There he goes, another selfish thought. He really needed to work on that.

The boy's body jumped back as they collided, but it was really all too fast to pay attention to every little detail of his reaction. All Awsten knew was that it hurt like a bitch, but not as much as the other guy's face, he'd imagine. Adrenaline filled his body from head to toe. He quickly pulled back his fist and coughed for a second.

"Ow! What the hell?!" The guy screamed, holding his hand over his already-bruising eye. Awsten locked eyes - eye? - with him and smiled awkwardly. He actually felt really bad. The blue-eyed boy just seriously fuckęd up the best article of clothing he'd ever laid his eyes on, but it wasn't really his fault, was it? He supposed it was just far easier to blame it on the guy in the leather jacket than the inconvenience that was life.

"Yeah, seriously, what the fück, Awsten?!" It was Zakk's voice now, filling the near empty room. Awsten just wished he would shut the fuck up. He couldn't control his own words anymore, he'd had a moment of realization but that was over. His body was filled with anger once again, and he wouldn't hit Zakk, but god knows he would nearly kill his own vocal chords.

"He totally ruined my skirt! This has been a really shítty night and that was all that was cheering me the fuçk up! He had to spill his weird sugary drink all over it and now I have to-," Awsten paused, nearly saying 'save up for it again', but continued with a facade that he had created for himself when he'd moved here freshman year, "-get my dad to buy me a new one! Goddamnit!"

"Oh shut the fuçk up," Zakk yelled, arms crossed now, completely ignoring the boy who'd caused this in the first place whom was watching intently, "You're so fucking spoiled, a fuçking brat! I liked you a lot and I am not an aggressive person but you fuckíng piss me off! You're nothing but selfish and bratty!"

"I uh, agree with that last statement." The light-brown haired problem-creator said quietly, but loud enough for Awsten to hear. He quickly turned his head, blue hair flipping quickly. "Fuck. Off." Was all that came out of his mouth. He was pissed, and yeah, he felt a sliver of remorse, but this? This was none of that kid's goddamn business.

The boy complied, and Awsten felt his eyes move away from him. He could also hear him mutter something along the lines of "gladly, ašshole," but Awsten was too busy with Zakk to go off on the stranger at the moment.

"If you feel that way, then why the fuçk are we even together?" Awsten screamed, feeling his nails dig into the palm of his own hands.

"I don't fuckíng know! I thought I liked you! But not anymore, you fuckíng asshole!" Zakk replied, now just as angry as Awsten.

"I'm fuckíng done! It's over! Goodbye, asshole!" Awsten screamed before he bit his lip and crossed his arms, but only after flipping Zakk off and storming outside. But then, a wave of realization came across him... they were ten miles away from his house and Zakk was his only source of transportation. Fuck.

When Zakk came outside, him and Awsten shared a look. Zakk knew the look. The angry tension was still there, but the boys were still friends, and so Zakk drove him to what Zakk believed was Awsten's house, the vibe never leaving the vehicle as Awsten wiped the sticky red substance off his skirt, or at least tried to. There was still a bright red stain on the front that was going to be impossible to wash out. He refrained himself from making a period joke aloud as a coping mechanism. It was more difficult for him than one might think.

Awsten only muttered a slightly passive aggressive "thank you" as he stepped out of the truck. He was two blocks away from his apartment complex. He looked up at the house before him. It was big. He wished he lived there, where Zakk and everyone else thought he lived. It was all a lie. A really fuckíng stupid lie that got all that much out of hand.

He ran to his cheap apartment complex. The place could barely afford a damn pool. It was so obviously sad, and even with the sun completely set, he could physically see the depressing vibe radiate off of it. He sighed out loud, embracing the feeling of his lungs filling with air and releasing as a method of reducing his anxiety. He held onto that feeling until he walked up the stairs and through the door, into the kitchen.

He assumed that his mom would be asleep, but no. There she was, sitting at the island, eating a bowl of cereal, her giant stomach sticking out. Awsten's two-toned, hazelish eyes couldn't exactly comprehend what types of cereal were in there, as it was extremely dim. He could see some captain crunch, that was for sure, but what other cereal was it mixed in with this time?

"How was the movie?" She asked, smiling with a mouth full of the weird mix of breakfast cereal. It was like, midnight.

Awsten's eyes squinted in an attempt to figure out the other cereal. Cocoa Puffs, that's what it was. Nasty.

"It was okay." Awsten lied. He hung his keys on a hook to the right of him before walking towards the hallway, stopping in the doorway and turning back towards his mom. "Pregnancy cravings?" He'd asked.

His mom nodded her head in response. "I'm burnt out, G'night mom. Love you." He smiled before continuing down the hall to his room. He shut the door behind him and let all his sadness wash over his body.

He hurt, a lot. Even if Zakk and him weren't close, breakups still fuckíng sucked. He let himself cry. It felt good. It hurt, but it was a good feeling, releasing all of the tension building up inside of him. At least it would be another week before having to talk to Zakk. Thanks, spring break.

He really did regret breaking up with him. Obviously, they weren't in love. They were barely boyfriends. But Awsten believed there was some sort of possibility of a future there. Maybe. Maybe now they'd never know. He just decided to slip off his clothes, into his boxers before tossing the sweater and skirt into his laundry basket and collapse onto his bed, letting sleep take him where feelings didn't exist.


	2. A Satellite Wish'll Make It Just Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one week since meeting. april 10th, 2017.

Spring break for Geoff was spent playing video games upstairs in his room and only coming downstairs for food and the occasional glass of water. Needless to say, it was pretty damn boring, but at least he had the excuse of his black eye to be antisocial, with the exception of his brother, who just couldn't take the damn hint.

Last week's situation was weird. Geoff just came out to have a good time, and honestly, he was just feeling so attacked in the moment. It was confusing as well... one minute he was walking to his movie, slurpee in hand, fairly content, the next Awsten Knight's fist was cracking into his face, and the one after that he was walking out of the movie theater at 11:45pm with a black eye, not even caring that he'd paid for a movie he never got the chance to see.

The situation was just fucking weird. He didn't even mean to piss off the kid, he's heard that the femme boy could pack a punch, but he didn't know the true, stinging pain of it until his small fist collided with his own eye suddenly. It really did hurt like a fucking bitch, at the time. Now it was just a bit sore, but a week had passed, although still obvious it had since faded.  
Not faded enough, however, because as soon as Geoff stepped into the lunch room & sat down, all of his friend's eyes were on him. Sabrina had a look of concern, Jawn's eyebrows were raised, Sasha's mouth was wide open, Jack looked confused, and Claire's face was somewhat unreadable, as she'd already seen it. Okay, maybe Geoff read a slight smirk. There was an awkward silence that lasted until Geoff set his lunch tray down and knitted his eyebrows in confusion.

Oh yeah, he'd had a giant purple fucking bruise on his eye. That's right. Fuck.

He'd forgotten since getting ready this morning. No wonder people were giving him weird looks in the hallways.

"Geoff, what the fuck happened over spring break?" Sabrina was the first to ask, her head turning towards Geoff and caramel brown eyes squinting as to get a better look.  
"Well, someone," He began, turning his head towards his brother and giving him a dirty look, "decided to ditch me to get drunk with his girlfriend." His head then turned towards Sasha as he crossed his arms. Sasha gave him a look as to say "No way, I'm staying out of this one."

"That doesn't explain-" Bri continued, her pitch black hair moving with her head as it moved even closer.

"I'm not finished." Geoff snapped. He'd gone from being in an alright mood to pretty fucking annoyed within two seconds. It wasn't Sabrina's fault, it was just sort of the thought of that night that set him off. There was a reason Derek had left him that night, and it wasn't just because he wanted to hang out with Sasha.

He'd never tell the rest of his friends that, though. Or wasn't trying to, anyways. "Basically, after Derek had left, I was home alone and bored, so instead of doing something idiotic I just decided to go to the movies, see that new horror movie, Demons Lurking, or whatever. So then, as I got to the theater, already paid for tickets and shit, got a slurpee in hand, I round the corner and boom. There's Awsten fucking Knight, with Zakk Autrey, and thanks to me, there was Red Dye #4 all over his ass. And he just stood there for a sec, fucking mouth open and slurpee dripping from his skirt, but before I could say anything, bam, his fist was colliding with my face. Then him and his boyfriend argued and shit, and I'm pretty sure I heard them breaking as I walked away, but you know, beside the point. So that's how I got this stupid fucking black eye. Thanks, Derek." He finished.

"You could've just said you were punched by rainbow boy, dude. But I do appreciate the added drama, god knows I'm a sucker for anything over the top." Claire laughed, her front teeth sticking out slightly as she combed her cotton-candy colored hair into a bun with her fingers.

"Wait just a second, Geoff. 'Thanks, Derek'? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. It was your fault I left in the first place. I just asked you a question and you started yelling at me." Derek interrupted harshly. Jack looked like he was about to say something, but didn't.

"You fucking know I hate talking about her. But no, you had to bring it up. I've told you, millions of times, I'd rather swim in a pool of my own vomit than spend my Saturday with her. It wasn't just a goddamn question, and you know that." Geoff scoffed. He was really pissed now, how dare his brother act like this was something he completely understood.

"You have to visit her sometime, Geoff! It's been five years! Every fucking time she asks about you, and every fucking time it's the same answer! I'm sick and tired of you being so fucking selfish!" Derek answered, hands gripping the edge of the lunch table. He didn't even care if anyone else could hear at this point.

"Wait, I'm lost, who are you guys talking about?" Jawn asked timidly.

"Our mom. Who's in prison. Has been for almost five years, since I was twelve. For murdering her own goddamn sister." Geoff whisper-scowled before getting up and walking out of the lunchroom, into the bathrooms across the hall, not even staying long enough to see his friends' reactions. That was the first time he'd ever said that out loud to someone who wasn't himself or his brother, but there was so much more to it than that.

He was currently shaking with rage. He was so fucking pissed, he wanted to punch every fucking thing he came in contact with.

And of course, there was Awsten, a-fucking-gain. Geoff was so damn done at this point. There he was, putting on lipgloss in the mirror, leaning over as if it was the most difficult task in the goddamn world. Are you fucking kidding me?

Before he could even think, Geoff muttered something he instantly regretted. It was supposed to just be a stupid intrusive thought, It was not supposed to come out of between his lips.  
"Uh, I think you're in the wrong bathroom."

Awsten immediately turned around, shoving his lipgloss into his bag before raising his eyebrows. He looked pissed.

Without another word, Geoff felt a blow just as hard as last week, if not harder, to his other eye, and another kick to the fucking balls. Okay, yeah, he deserved that. It was a really shitty move on his part. He would've fought back, but he was too emotionally drained to - not like Awsten really have him the chance anyways, as he immediately pushed past him and walked out of the bathrooms, towards god knows where.

All he could feel was pain. Everything hurt like a motherfucker, both emotionally and physically on him.

Geoff needed to go to the nurse's office. But only after he could actually walk there. Geoff had definitely figured out the hard way that Awsten kicked just as hard as he hit.  
He was probably going to miss fourth period.

•••

Awsten let the kid's stupid comment roll off him like water off a duck's back. He suddenly didn't regret the original punch last week, 'cause apparently he was a homophobic - transphobic? - asshole. In fact, Awsten sort of helped that the kick to the nuts would make him infertile... people like that didn't deserve to have kids. It was unfortunate, really. The kid was kind of cute.

But in perspective, he wouldn't let the comment really get to him, because the truth is, he was used to it. He was a man in a skirt, for god's sake. People weren't accustomed to it. It wasn't considered 'normal', and although he was still fairly 'popular' - (not so much popular as cliques didn't necessarily exist, especially in their school, more so his name would pop up in conversation more than others') - he'd always got hate. It was always going to happen and he'd sort of just decided by himself that there was nothing other to do about it except maybe fight, than flight. Easy.

He tried not to think about the fact that pretty much entire reputation was built upon a few lies he'd told out of impulse in freshman year.

Today though, he was on a mission. He hadn't talked to Zakk through the entirety of break, and he missed his company. He knew Zakk wasn't a bad guy, he's known the kid for a few years now. Zakk was actually extremely kind-hearted, and it took him a whole lot to get angry, but when he did get pissed, you did not want to be near him.

Awsten really wanted to get back together with him. He was still pissed at Zakk's comments from last week's argument that ultimately lead to their breakup, but he really believed they were good together.

So he decided to go for it boldly, strutting into the lunch room with pride until he reached his usual table, and he just blurted it out loud. "Hey, Zakk. Sorry I was being a fucking asshole last week - some stuff's been going on lately-"

"It's okay, Awsten. I forgive you. Come sit down." Zakk smiles, gesturing for Awsten to sit down next to him. He flipped his hair out of his face as well, making Awsten chuckle lightly.  
Thank god.

"Great. Does this also mean you'll be my boyfriend again?" Awsten smiled brightly, twiddling his thumbs as he argued in his head whether or not to sit down. This seemed to be going really well.

"Actually, no. I'm sorry it didn't work out Aws, but I stand by the decision to break up. I thought it was pretty mutual, actually." Zakk frowned, looking down. He looked sad, like that was actually difficult for him to say.

Awsten breathed in a moment, adjusting to what Zakk had said. He didn't want him anymore, he stood by what he said about Awsten acting like a spoiled brat. He knew it was true, but hearing it from who he considered his best friend?

That stung.

"Oh, okay." Awsten stuttered before turning around and heading past all of the people who he could feel staring at his back, and out of the doors to the cafeteria. He walked out of the school, too. He walked out to the field, and the bleachers. They were far away from the main school, across a huge field with yellowing grass, and the field was pretty fucking big, especially for a public highschool.

He felt a tear run down his cheek. Oh. He removed his backpack and reached into it without thought, pulling out a plastic bag with three fairly thick joints in it that he'd just bought this morning. He reached for one, tearing still pouring from his eyes, and grabbed his lighter from the pocket below that one after zipping the original shut. Probably wasn't the best idea to carry it around school all day, but he couldn't have cared less at this point.

It's not like pot brought him to a whole other world or anything, as that would be ridiculously inaccurate. It made him happy, plain and simple. It made him feel like life wasn't so bad, like there was no murder or rape or near fatal car accidents... and it's not like he would get hungover from it or anything, so it worked. It'd be nice if it did transport him to another world or whatever, but he seriously wasn't stupid enough to try any real shit, past coke anyways. It was one time and it gave him a bloody nose, though. One fucking time.

It was sort of a coping mechanism for him, and even if the general representation of femininity was supposed to go hand-in-hand with innocence, he didn't care. He wasn't here to cater to stereotypes, or do what everyone expected of him. He was here because he was pushed out of his mom's vag and forced to live this extremely fucked up life, so he had no other choice but to suck it up and not fuck himself over - too much.

And as soon as he was high, he'd come to terms with that.


	3. Do You Really Enjoy Living a Life That's So Hateful?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tuesday. a little over a week since meeting. april 11th, 2017.

"Shít." Geoff sat up in his bed at a rapid rate, looking at the time on his phone. His alarm hadn't gone off. Three hours ago.

He was suddenly thankful that his dad went to work early as he rolled over in bed and forced himself to get himself up. He knew he had to show up, he'd already missed too much school this trimester so far, and if he didn't at least try to show up to his fourth period - unlike yesterday - his dad would beat his ašs when he got home. He already had enough on his plate as it was, and Geoff didn't need to add to that if he could help it.

Geoff threw on a white t-shirt, his jacket and a pair of black jeans before fixing his hair without a mirror and calling it good. He scooped up his bag and tossed it over his shoulder, running down the stairs as quickly as he could manage. He was thankful that his house was only about a ten minute walk from the school and vice versa.

He'd arrived in the middle of lunch, sitting down at his normal lunch table and smiling. "Sorry I'm late, I way overslept, as you can obviously tell."

Everyone was staring at him again. The vibe in the room was suddenly very tense, and he wasn't sure why.

"Ah, cool." Jawn replied with a smile, shoving a forkfull of green beans into his mouth, chewing and swallowing quickly as he picked up his spork and pointed it towards Geoff. "Now what I'm wondering, is why the hell you felt the need to bring back the raccoon eye look from your old emo days in middle school."

Geoff raised his eyebrows. He was extremely confused.

Claire butted in, grasping her own spork and gesturing towards her eyes with it. "Honey, what the fuçk is up with the new shiner? You look like you tried to do a dark purple smokey eye and accidentally wiped off some product from one side." She chuckled.

Oh yeah. Now he was sporting two black eyes.

"Let's just say it was 'rainbow boy' again and also, I've had a really shít couple of weeks." Geoff replied.

"Fair enough." Claire smiled. She leaned in slightly, now whispering. "You should really try out drag, as you don't look half bad with a smokey eye. Just need to work on the blending a bit." She chuckled.

Geoff and Claire were the closest of the group, he'd say (with the exclusion of Derek.) Claire was well aware that Geoff tended to like boys more than any other gender. They knew eachother like the back of their own hands. They've grown up together, done everything together from dying one another's hair at the ages of 12, to sitting at home playing video games at the age of 16. He remembers vaguely that one summer when they were around 8 years old, they decided to step into Geoff's back yard, dress in bathing suits and take baths of mud in the dirt that piled up under his swing set that they'd gotten rid of last year.

Both their parents were fuming, and Geoff was pretty sure he could still taste dirt from that afternoon so many years ago. He missed the days when he still thought fondly of his mom and when life was simple.

\--

Awsten's day was surprisingly going well so far, as nothing excessively dramatic was going on for once in his life. Lunch was sort of boring, as things were still slightly awkward with Zakk. Zakk was actually acting fairly normal, as he was always pretty nice and didn't take well, anything, too seriously. It was Awsten's vibe that was making things awkward, and Awsten wasn't trying to be awkward but he couldn't help but regret crying over a fucking boy. The somewhat-pastel kid had promised himself so many years ago that was the last thing he'd do as soon as he started dating.

He adjusted his white t-shirt and pulled up his pink skirt slightly as he stared at the clock, waiting for the bell to ring. Any second now, he thought as he threw his jacket and backpack on.

As soon as the bell rang as to signal lunch was over, Awsten was up and practically sprinting to his fourth period. Despite popular belief, he enjoyed his social studies class a lot, and he definitely admired and looked up to his teacher. Ms Hanna was a strong and stern, yet kind and understanding woman, and you could tell she enjoyed her job a great deal. Once he was inside the classroom, there she was, ruffling through random papers on her desk.

Her dark hair was up in a messy bun-type thing, and Awsten was pretty sure he saw a pencil in there somewhere. She suddenly stood straight and turned her head to the side, seeing Awsten and her bright red lips perked up into a smile. Awsten walked up to her desk, him in a much better state already.

"Awsten! My favorite student! You're back! I missed you yesterday!" She laughed. "But uhm, be sure not to tell Melanie about the whole 'favorite student' thing, as she'd probably have a fit. What can I help you with?"

"Yeah, since I missed yesterday, I need to know what exactly we did so I can try to make it up." He smiled in return, leaning slightly against his desk.

"You didn't miss too much - except we're starting an entire new unit, starting with a huge project, Awsten." She scolded.

"The theme is 'taking a stand', or basically, activism. Everyone is already partnered up, and I'm pretty sure you were the only one absent. I'll have to look. In the mean time," She continued, looking up as more students filled the classroom and grabbed a paper off her desk, "Here are the requirements. I'll try to find you a partner, but worst case scenario you end up doing it alone or get added to another group. Shouldn't have missed class yesterday."

Awsten could deal with working alone. He grabbed the paper and nodded, heading towards his seat. As soon as the bell rang once again, and everyone was in class, Ms Hanna stepped to the front and clapped her hands together. Awsten admired her fashion sense, although very kooky. Today her updo and messy bangs were partnered with a knitted multi-colored sweater that said "feminist" on it over and over. With that, she decided to wear a floor-length navy blue skirt.

Awsten's personal favorite look of hers was a lime green velvet jumpsuit with a silver colored panel that covered most of the chest and abdomen. On the greyish area, silver-dollar sized pink plastic gems covered it evenly - and she still somehow managed to pull it off.

"Okay, class, I know we talked about this a little bit yesterday, but I'd like to clarify it. If you are struggling with the creative process of this, I suggest you pay attention or even take notes if you see it's fit." Ms Hanna said, turning around and facing the whiteboard and pulling out a black marker. "This project counts for roughly twenty percent of your grade in this class for the whole year. You must highlight why it matches the prompt of 'taking a stand' or why it revolves around activism, however, there are many ways you can really delve into this project and personalize it, therefore making it fun."

She removed the cap off the expo marker and began making a list. "You may not write a boring report on whatever subject you choose. In fact, you can do pretty much anything except that. You can make a fictional film, design a trifold, represent it through a sculpture or painting, create a collage, record a song, capture a series of intriguing photos, or go around interviewing students with footage of it. As long as you include some sort of backbone of facts and evidence, you have complete creative freedom." She looked around the room, looking for any sort of response from the students. She was left with nothing but wide eyes.

"For example," She smiled, "In college we had an assignment similar to this and my friends and I decided to record an entire record based off of the expectation and sexualization of women in society at the time - in perspective, a couple songs were pre-recorded and we had a month, along with class time. Your assignment is due in roughly two months, til the end of the year, however you will only have today in class to work on it with your partner. The rest of it will be worked on outside of this class, and I know it sucks, but the school board is on my àss about teaching more of the standards rather than practical things you will actually use one day."

"Anyways, I'll give you a moment to adjust and think about it. In, let's say two minutes, we'll go over partners." She finished. Awsten sighed loudly.

He already knew what he wanted to do the project on, but he wasn't exactly sure what sort of thing he wanted to express it with yet, plus if he did end up having a partner, they would probably have some sort of opinion on the matter that he had to keep in mind. He pondered his project for a few before his thoughts were interrupted by the teacher.

"Alright, partners... Let's see. So, my trusty clipboard says we have Jack and Alex G. together, Marina and Lana, Gerard and Melanie, Zack M. and Zakk A., Hayley W. and Frank, Hayley K. and Zoe, Grace and Otto, Vic and Kellin, Ashley and Brendon, Alex T. and Ryan... And, Awsten, it seems there was in fact someone who was absent yesterday." Awsten frowned in response. He was sort of hoping he could join Otto and Grace, or just work alone. "You'll be working with Geoff Wigington. Okay then, the rest of the period is yours."

Awsten looked for this kid, Geoff. He wasn't really sure who he was. His eyes scanned the room, looking for him. Assuming they were a dude, until his eyes locked with the kid with two black eyes (both caused by himself) who was staring at him in annoyance. No fucking way.

Both boys got up immediately and went up to Ms Hanna's desk across the room.

"I refuse to work with him!" Awsten shouted, pointing to the guy, roughly the same height to him, now standing next to himself. He had to admit, the guy - despite the hilarious double black eyes - wasn't that bad looking bad, but he was seemingly an asshole who'd never do the project Awsten had in mind.

"I agree, there's no way in hell I'll work with him, please Ms Hanna, don't make me do it." The punk boy responded.

Ms Hanna pretended to think for a moment. "Hm... No. Sometimes in life you have to work with people you wouldn't have originally, and I happen to think you two would make a good team."

Awsten brought out his puppy eyes. "But-"

"Nuh-uh. Nope. No puppy eyes, none of that. Go discuss the project with each other." She replied, pointing her finger in his face before cracking her knuckles.

Awsten pouted, going back to his desk and being followed by Geoff. As soon as he sat down, he looked into the boy's eyes hastily. "Since we have to work together, I figure I should probably sort of get to know you." He said, stretching out his arms and cracking his knuckles before glaring down to his nails. "So... How does it feel being a transphobe and possible homophobe?"

"I'm not either of those things. How does it feel being an asshole?" Geoff shot back, crossing his arms.

"I swear to god if you use the 'I have gay friends' excuse I will break your nose to go along with that set of shiners and bruised balls." Awsten threatened in return, pulling out a sheet of paper from his backpack and fished a pen out of his pocket just in case.

"I am not transphobic!" Geoff replied. Awsten gave him a look. "Or homophobic, for that matter! I have nothing against anyone in the LGBTQ community!"

Awsten was slightly shocked to hear the Q added at the end of the phrase. People always forgot the goddamn Q. He turned his head and bit the inside of his cheek. He was supposed to hate this guy. "Alright. Then why did you say that shítty comment yesterday?"

"I was really fuckíng pissed and it just came out. I'm fuckíng sorry. I did deserve that hit, and the kick to the balls, however I do not understand why you sucker punched me over a goddamn slurpee." The boy with brown eyes responded, his pointer finger up in the air.

"Alright, that one was a little uncalled for. I was having a real shit night, and that was a skirt I'd had my eye on for awhile and had just gotten. I was pissed red dye #4 stained it." Awsten said truthfully. "Sorry about that."

"Yeah, okay. We even now?" Geoff asked. "We do have to work together, you know."

"Alright. I still think you have a whole lot of internalized transphobia and possible homophobia, but sure. Let's meet at your house on Friday afternoon. Text me your address." Awsten agreed, ripping off a section of the paper and writing down his number. He handed it to the boy hesitantly.

"Can't do Friday at my place, brother'll be bothering us all night. Yours?" Geoff bit his lip, still not necessarily looking forward to working with Awsten.

"Mm-mm." Awsten shook his head. "Can't do it at my place. Park on 25th?"

No way was Awsten letting Geoff, someone he barely knew, see his apartment when he wouldn't even show his friend of three years, and sort-of boyfriend of four months.

"Okay. We'll talk about it then. See you there." Geoff half-smiled before heading back to his seat. That was a weird exchange, to say the least.


	4. Is Forever For You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wednesday. 2 1/2 weeks since meeting. april 18th, 2017.

"Alright, so, I want to do the project on LGBTQ rights, specifically for gay men and women and touch on the activism it's taken to get where we are at this moment in history, where as legally for the most part we have the same rights, but it's still a global social issue. I want to have emphasis on a gay marriage timeline, but I also really want to add in some current social issues we face, including mentioning the Pulse shooting." Awsten said fairly seriously, sitting at the picnic table in the park where he and Geoff had decided to meet up to work on their project. Geoff was sitting at the table like a regular person, whereas Awsten had decided to sit atop it, on the surface where people generally ate at.

"Okay, I'm down. Let's do it, I mean it's pretty ambitious but let's try it." Geoff replied casually. If only he knew. It's not like Geoff hadn't come to terms with his sexuality or anything, he just didn't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops, and frankly, it wasn't really Awsten's business. He didn't feel that it was necessary to bring up in most conversations, unless it was someone he was planning on actually dating, or anyone really close to him.

"I thought you had something against men in skirts - not saying it's always someone who's queer, but generally people sort of associate them with the LGBTQ community." Awsten responded. He uncrossed his legs and let them rest on the bench-type thing.

"No, I just have something against you. I told you, I didn't mean what I said. You have every right to use the same bathroom as me, I was just being a dick. Pun not intended." Geoff said, trying to stay serious until the last line. Awsten found himself giggling at the supposedly unintended wordplay. Geoff laughed himself, as he almost found Awsten in that moment... cute.

He stopped himself right fucking there.  
Awsten adjusted one of the barrettes in his hair. "Alright so, do you have any idea how we'll present it?"

"We could do a power point/film type thing. For each area on the timeline, it could be a series of old photos or documents surrounding what happened that year, and have a voice over of one of us talking about what's happening and what was being fought for." Geoff replied.  
He wasn't completely sure where all of that came from, but it came out, that's for sure. 

Awsten looked a little shocked that Geoff had already considered something on the subject, he figured he'd have to do all the work.

"I mean, that sounds awesome! But how'll we record it and put it all together?" The blue-eyed boy asked. "It sounds practically completely digital, and I don't even have an iPhone."

"Hm, fairly easily I think. I have a mac, so we can just download the clips onto it, edit them, put them together in individual short videos, and I have a microphone so we can record ourselves talking. Basically, we put those together, post each segment on youtube, then attach them to a power point. Bam." Geoff smiled. He did actually know what he was doing in this situation.

"Did you seriously just say 'bam'?" Awsten giggled. There it was again, Geoff thinking he didn't look half bad.

"I did, actually. Pretty sophisticated, I know. I do, obviously, have a knack for words." Geoff smiled.

"Mhm, I see. So, what exactly can we do right now? I mean, it seems like this requires a lot of technology and shit." Awsten replied, legs bouncing. He happened to be pretty hyper at the moment. It was really hard to not like Geoff as a person, actually. He really wanted to hate him, he did, but it was impossible. He was pretty damn charming, and it's not like he was all that bad looking either.

"There really isn't that much we can do except plan it out... In fact, we can't even do that. Can't research, so..." Geoff frowned. He didn't really want to go, he was actually enjoying this conversation a lot.

"I have an idea as to what we could do!" Awsten shouted suddenly, eyes lighting up as his pointer finger reached for the sky.

"And that is...?" Geoff asked, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. He placed his head on his hands.

"I," he pointed to himself, "go sit on that swing over there." He pointed towards the swing set. "And you push me."

"What exactly do I get out of this?" Geoff joked. He knew that pretty much any response Awsten had, he'd still end up pushing him on the swing.

"You'll see me enjoying myself, obviously." Awsten laughed. "Ask a stupid question and you get a stupid answer. Now, c'mon!" The pale boy in pastel blue jeggings grabbed Geoff by the wrists, leaving all their papers and things behind, and tugged him over to the swings. 

Once he was on one, he motioned for Geoff to step behind him. Geoff complied. As soon as he was being pushed back and forth, he squealed in delight.

"Looks like I have my very own slave now." Awsten joked as he went farther up in the air. His walls were slowly breaking down around Geoff, and he didn't know why. He wasn't taking himself as seriously as he normally would.

"Oh my god." Geoff let his hands go, so they could hold his stomach. "I cannot believe you. Monday your fist was colliding with my face, but today you're making me push you on a swingset at a kid's park. Unbelievable."

"Hey! I'm not making you, this was your decision too! And besides, you're not even pushing me anymore!" Awsten shouted.

"Yeah, because you're too high up, dumbass!" Geoff yelled back, stepping away from the swingset so he wouldn't get hit by Awsten, who's mint blue hair was practically flowing with the wind.

"I'm not too high up unless I do a flip, Wigington! Now push me again, goddamnit!"

"Yeah, sure. Totally voluntary." Geoff replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes but continuing to push him anyways.

\--

"So, how was it? Was he being an asshole? I'll fight him if he was." Grace spoke as soon as Awsten got into her car, ready to be taken home. In all honesty, Awsten wasn't ready to admit that Geoff wasn't all that bad. Not yet.

"It was okay. We just worked on the project I guess, tried to keep it civil." He replied vaguely, buckling his seatbelt.

"Since when are you ever civil?" She questioned as she smiled and began driving away from the park. Awsten stared out the window. It went really fucking well and he honestly couldn't wait to do it again - work on the project, obviously. Pfft.

"I guess I'm just turning over a new leaf."


	5. I Still Feel The Same But I'm Slowly Making Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friday, nearly 3 weeks since meeting. april 21st.

"Okay, let's get going on the project. No more fucking around, alright?" Geoff laughed, nudging Awsten. It was currently Monday afternoon and Geoff and Awsten had been working on their project for around an hour now - and by working on their project, it meant making fun of each other as if they'd been friends for years, when in fact neither of them even wanted to admit they would be considered friends from an outside perspective.

Currently both boys were laid flat on their stomachs on Geoff's bed, not an inch seperating them as they sat in front of Geoff's laptop, looking for a reliable source for the project.

"Let's do that one!" Awsten said, pointing to a sketchy-looking website. He didn't really care how many pop-up ads the website had, as long as it had facts - whether it was a professional resource or not didn't really care to Ms Hanna, surprisingly.

"Hm, okay." Geoff replied, reaching for the mouse - at the same time as Awsten. Awsten felt his breath hitch and a weird feeling in his chest - no fucking way. Geoff's hand was just chilling on top of Awsten's for an awkward minute or so - for some unknown reason, he just didn't feel like taking it off.

But he eventually did, obviously. And they both started acting like it didn't even happen. "Alright, so, the website's timeline starts from..."

\--

"Why did you agree to this subject?" Awsten blurted out suddenly, right as they were in the middle of the tenth documented year so far. The sun was now down, and it was getting fairly late.

Awsten's eyes widened at what he had just said and looked at Geoff. There was a silence at the moment, but then the room was filled with the sound of Geoff laughing, hysterically.

"Wait, are you serious?" He asked between breathes as he tried to calm himself down.  
"Um... yes?" Awsten questioned, getting extremely confused extremely quickly.

"Awsten, I'm attracted to dudes!" Geoff shouted in a fit of laugher.

"Wait, wait, wait.... what?" Awsten replied, his eyebrows furrowing. He rested his head onto his hands. What the fuck just happened? "So like, you're gay?"

Geoff chuckled. "I don't really like a lot of labels. I just kind of like... people. Queer, I guess. I don't know. Well, I take that second statement back. I don't like people as a large mass, I like certain people. Mind over matter, yanno? I just kind of like whoever I like. They tend to be guys, but like, I've had crushes on girls too. Haven't met anyone in between. Just sorta depends - on the person, on me, on life I guess."

"Well, damn, okay." Awsten replied. He was pretty much speechless - up until this point he wasn't aware that Geoff was anything but straight. He didn't talk about dicks very much, and he hadn't really said the word faggot - Awsten actually found it pretty fucking puzzling that straight boys talked about dick more than people who actually liked dick - perhaps those straight boys weren't so straight after all? "So, when you said you weren't homophobic, you weren't kidding, damn. Still that chance of being transphobic though, so watch the fuck out because I know Laura Jane Grace. Okay, that's a lie, I don't know Laura Jane Grace. I fucking wish."

"I mean, I probably have some sort of internalized hate against myself as you suggested," Geoff laughed, "but I don't think that's from the whole sexuality issue. I was, however, serious when I said I'm not homophobic. I just seriously thought you were an asshole."

"Thought? I see. You don't think I'm an asshole anymore, do you?" Awsten made fun of Geoff's word choice, giggling loudly.

"Contrary to popular belief," the blue-eyed boy motioned towards Awsten, "I still think you're a fucking asshole. But, I think your douchiness is all a facade, and you're really a decent guy underneath all that stupid bullshit."

"Touché, Wigington." Awsten replied and sat up, checking his phone. "Oh shit, it's already eight. I gotta go, my mom is probably wondering where the hell I am. Later, man."

With that, Awsten grabbed his bag, walked out the door and was out of sight. Geoff barely got the time to take a breath before Derek was popping into the doorway of his room.

"So, what's up with you and the Quinn kid?" Derek asked, body half-in, half-out of his brother's room.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Geoff questioned, collapsing onto his bed while still watching Derek with a close eye.

"Here and there." Derek said simply, and began darting his eyes around the room and ducking his head, as if he were some sort of FBI agent. God, he'd be a terrible spy. "No, but for real, what's going on between you two. I sense a budding friendship there."

"I hate you, oh my god..." Geoff laughed. "But I mean, yeah. Awsten's actually not all that bad. He's tough, and sorta an asshole, but he's cool too. Pretty nice on occasion as well - like, different than school. Less self-centered, I guess."

"Hm. Spooky." Derek replied. "G'night."  
"Yeah, I guess. Goodnight."

\---

Awsten walked into his apartment, finally. It was a thirty minute walk, which wasn't too bad, but after dark in a shitty neighborhood, some would see it as a death wish. And maybe Awsten wouldn't have minded getting jumped all that much, really.

It was around '45. He had a headache, and he was ready to just collapse onto the bed and sleep. Work before school was stressful, and so was actual school. He just needed to get a good six hours in, that was all.

When he walked in, he didn't expect to see his mom on the couch across the room. She was awake, and she looked... sad?

"Hey, mom. What're you doing up?" Awsten asked her as he strutted towards the living room. He felt a wave of nostalgia run over him - he wasn't sure exactly where from, though.  
He remembered the pitch black lighting with only the cast shadows from the street lamps outside. He remembered his mom's figure in the same exact spot, only her stomach was less round, as back then she was only what Awsten would guess as a week or two along.

It was the night his dad had gotten in the coma originally. The night she told him about the car crash. A pit formed itself in Awsten's stomach.  
"I need to talk to you. It's about your dad." She half-smiled, her soft hands crossed over her lap. Her hair was the same shade of her son's natural color, and her eyes were a deep green and hazelish color. So was one of Awsten's eyes. The other was the same color of his dad's.

"He woke up?" Awsten croaked out, knowing by the look of sympathy on her face that it likely wasn't good news, but he still hoped it was. He sighed out loud, going and sitting in the chair that was placed in the corner.  
"I... no, he didn't." She replied sadly. Her laugh lines intensified slightly as she frowned, uncrossing her hands and instead fitting them together.

"I figured." Awsten bit his lip. He didn't want to talk about him like he was gone. He would wake up, eventually. Just a coma, not brain dead. It's only been eight months, right? He'd wake up soon.

There was an uncomfortable near-silence for a moment, only filled with both of their heavy breathes.

"I just... I'm really sorry honey, I really am but it's been so long and-" His mother began, but was cut off by Awsten, not wanting to drag this out any further than it already was.

"Is he gone?" Awsten asked, more aggressively than meant. He mumbled a sorry.

"No, he's not gone, not yet. But what I wanted to talk about is... it's getting expensive, keeping him in the hospital. You had to get a job, my son working to pay for his dad's hospital bills. We can barely pay our bills as it is, Awsten. I-"

"What?" Awsten was confused now... what was she talking about? What kind of conversation was this?

"If by August, one year, he hasn't woken up or shown many signs of it, I've decided we'll pull the plug." She finally spat out. "I'm so sorry baby, but the bills are so expensive, and we're already in debt-"

Awsten felt sick to his stomach.

"You- you want to kill my dad? The father to your kids, one who he won't even fucking meet? What happened to him being the goddamn love of your life? Hm?" Awsten yelled. He was enraged. He could feel his paper-white face turn bright goddamn red so quickly, he could feel every pint of blood in his body boil, and he felt his hands involuntarily ball up into fists.

Logically, he knew the agreement was fair, as his dad showed virtually no signs of waking up, but logic didn't matter at this moment in time.

"No, it's not like that, honey-" His mom began, but Awsten was done. He ran to his room, slamming the door behind him and throwing himself onto his bed. He punched his wall, once, twice, three times before rolling onto his stomach and covering his face with a pillow. He screamed. He screamed until his vocal chords were raw, and this went on for what felt like forever until he started sobbing.

_"Awsten, I can't believe you failed your driver's test again.... kid, it's been five times now. I'm getting pretty damn tired of paying for it, you know." Awsten's dad sighed, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel. "Wait till we get home, mom's gonna be real disappointed. Won't have you to go on grocery runs for us."_

_"I'm sorry, dad. I'm really trying my best here. It's fucking hard." Awsten replied, looking out of the windows as they approached their apartment complex._

_"You're forgetting I did it too. It's really not that hard. And watch your language, kid." The blue-eyed man responded to his son, only half joking. He wasn't strict on most things, but he was with things like this - they really couldn't afford many more driving lessons and they needed the extra help._

_"Fuck you." Awsten laughed as he got out of the car._

_"See you later, kid. I gotta go on that grocery run since apparently you can't quite yet."  
And with that, Awsten's dad, the only one he would ever have, drove off. _

He was hit by a semi-truck ten minutes later.

His dad was probably going to die. And his last words to him were "Fuck you."


	6. One Drink & The Pain Goes Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> monday. 3 1/2-ish weeks since meeting. april 24th, 2017.

"You have to visit her eventually, Geoff." Derek inquired, again standing in the doorway of his brother's room. It was about nine at night and the brothers had been fighting off and on about their mom since this morning when Derek suggested that this Saturday Geoff should come along when his dad and himself were visiting their mom.

"No, no I don't. I'm completely fine with waiting another fifty five years, where I'll greet her with respect and quote unquote love, as her corpse is lying in a coffin in front of me." Geoff replied honestly and brutally, checking the messages on his phone. Nothing.

"But you'll regret it." Derek responded, crossing his arms. "She is still your mom, you know."

Geoff bit his lip before returning with a response he'd likely regret. "She is still a murderer, you know."

Derek looked hurt for a moment, but brushed it off after a few seconds. "That doesn't mean she isn't human, Geoff. She still birthed you, and raised you, whether you like it or not. She deserves your goddamn acknowledgement."

"I do acknowledge her. I acknowledge the fact that her sister wanted to take us in because she was seemingly unfit, and in response she killed her with a kitchen knife. In front of her twelve year old son. I acknowledge the fact that up until she was sent to prison, she didn't give a shit about anything in relation to us. It was dad who raised us, even if we didn't come out of his genitals. So yeah, I acknowledge her, and you can't say that I don't." Geoff shot back with a glare. Derek frowned slightly, but just kept at his cold, hard glare directed at his brother.

"I'm getting outta here." Geoff continued, grabbing his phone, a twenty dollar bill, and a jacket before heading out of his room, and ultimately, his neighborhood. He was going the the park downtown, where he could actually think.

\---

Awsten had been avoiding his mom at all costs. Once he'd returned from school, he'd spent his time getting high and crying, if he was honest. Getting high helped his situation, but it didn't completely diffuse it. He wished it did, but he knew it was a temporary solution to an obviously permanent problem floating around in his head.

It was around eight o'clock when Awsten decided he was sobering up just a little too much. He reached into his bag again, prepared to roll a new joint, when he realized something; he was out of fucking weed. God fucking damnit.

He smoked four grams of sativa in five hours. How the hell did he manage to do that? How wasn't he paying attention to it, either?

Whatever. He'd just go downtown and get fucked up by drinking instead. Drinking wasn't really Awsten's thing, but if he could get a few old homos to buy him enough drinks to not be sober anymore, he was down. Getting high was better because there was no real hangover and was just generally a better feeling, but he would take what he could get.

He figured though, if he was going to go out and probably embarrass himself, he might as well look gorgeous while doing it.

He slipped on a really cheap bright blue sequined dress he'd gotten from a thrift store a few weeks back and rushed his makeup - he wasn't always one for natural when going out. He went with a bright red lip and eyeshadow that matched his dress because why the fuck not? He didn't get the chance to do fun makeup a whole lot and he liked the way he looked with it. It was fun, and he felt good in it.

He began thinking about his dad. His dad's eyes were nearly as blue as the dress he was wearing. It stung like a bitch. This, he thought, is why I'm getting fucking wasted tonight.

Part of Awsten was happy that they were only on the first floor, so he could sneak out of his window really easily, being thankful there were no screens. The other part wished they lived on the fourth so he could jump out of it. It was an intrusive, rather morbid thought of his that came often, and although always attempting to ignore it, it stuck like gum to the bottom of Gucci heels.

As he climbed out his window, he wondered what life would be like if they moved into the fourth floor like they'd originally planned.

\--

Awsten had been at the club for around two hours. Over the short time he was here, he'd gotten a couple old dudes to buy him a couple drinks and had ended up pretty buzzed. He was originally a bit drunk, but the cheap drinks had worn out fairly quick. He decided to ignore the old men once downing said drinks, because Awsten really wasn't into that type of relationship. Not his thing, never would be.

He left the bar after about three shots, heading towards some young guy, mid 20s maybe, on the dance floor. As soon as they were grinding on each other like it was their life's source, it hit him: He really fucking hated drinking.

His head was pounding, and now the stranger's lips were against his. The guy was a good kisser, but Awsten wasn't into it anymore. It was good for awhile but the novelty really wore off. The blonde asked if the multicolored-eyed boy wanted to take it to the bathroom, (god, that's trashy), but Awsten just shook his head in response. The boy seemingly respected that and moved on to someone else.

Awsten left after that. He needed ibuprofen and a good nap. Drinking didn't solve anything, and he was currently regretting his 2-inch heels. They hurt like a fucking bitch.

Despite the bad mood, he loved it downtown. It was so geometric and although dirty, still looked clean and pretty whether the sunlight was casting shadows between the skyscrapers or the colorful lights were lit up at night. It felt safe, even if there were hundreds of murderers and rapists walking the streets; it felt as if it was home.

Then again, maybe Awsten was just glamorizing city life because he wasn't completely sober. He stumbled out of the club, not exactly aware of where he was going at the moment, perhaps to the bus station, when he heard his name being called. You see, with a name like Awsten, you couldn't just assume they were calling someone else. The voice sounded an awful lot like... no way.

"Awsten! There you are!" Geoff called after him, Awsten stopping in reply and just standing there, in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment as Geoff caught his breath.  
"W-what are you doing here?" Awsten practically croaked out. Maybe he wasn't quite as sober as he thought. "And like, how'd you find me?"

"First of all, I came to go to the park over there," Geoff pointed across the street, "because, well, I fucking felt like it, and second I mean it was kind of hard not to see you. You're dressed in a bright blue bodycon dress and have on bright red lipstick."

"Shut up." Awsten replied. "Let's go sit on that bench." He continued, half-pointing across the street to the park.

Both of them crossed the street quickly, Geoff not saying anything about the other boy's stumbling. Awsten was the first to sit down, which Geoff followed quickly. "So," Geoff began, "What's up with the heavy makeup and dress anyways? You suddenly an aspiring drag queen or something?"

"Shut up." Awsten sighed. "I don't do the makeup and whole girly thing to put on a show, you know? I'm still a dude, man. I'm still... me. I do it 'cause I like it. I wouldn't like, be a drag queen. I'm feminine, not a chick impersonator, or a trans girl. 'M just me, and I happen to like sparkly blue dresses and messy makeup."

"Sorry. It was meant as a joke." Geoff replied somewhat awkwardly.

"I know, but I'm not sober, it's eleven o'clock, and people are constantly asking me why I wear what I do. I do the exact thing as everyone else, pretty much. I wear what I want. Although, to be honest, I feel like what you want to wear is really ugly. We live in texas, not in Canada. You can take off the red plaid flannel." 

Geoff laughed loudly. Drunk Awsten was kind of funny, in a depressing way.

"Why were you at that club?" He blurted out without thinking. Awsten ran his hands through his hair and crossed his legs. His head turned towards the brown-haired boy sat next to him, brown-green eyes looking down as if he was having an inner battle about what to say.  
He decided on the truth - vague, but the truth. "Family problems. Ran out of pot, figured being drunk is better than sober. I was wrong. I fucking hate drinking."

"I'm sorry. that sucks. A fucking lot. I got family issues too." Geoff responded. He attempted to lighten the mood a little. "So, would you say this makes us friends?"

"I guess. I mean, yeah. Still not screaming it to the world, though." Awsten scoffed. His facial expression suddenly changed into confusion and perhaps concern? "Wait, fuck, what's the date?" He asked.

"It's the twenty-fourth, why?" Geoff replied, confused as ever.

"Well shit." Awsten smiled, letting it linger on his face. He was having too shit of a night to try and hide his personality from Geoff. "Today is my sister's birthday. She left us when she turned eighteen and never came back. Like, two years ago but still."

"Holy fuck." Geoff replied, eyes wide. "Are you serious? That's pretty, uh, sad. And you spent the whole day not realizing this?"

"Pretty much, yeah. How much time I got left?" Awsten questioned, too lazy to check his own phone.

Geoff grabbed his phone and turned it on quickly, checking the time before shoving it back in his pocket. He bit his lip before answering. "About... ten minutes."

"Oh." Awsten said. He leaned his head against Geoff's shoulder and let his hands fall into his lap. "I always knew I was a mess, but now I've reached my limit. I wish I had a number to call and tell her happy birthday. Fuck."

Geoff smiled. "Now that we're friends, we can be messes together. Happy birthday, to your sister, I guess, Aws."

Awsten just nodded into the blue-eyed boy's shoulder as he felt the minutes tick by until his sister's forgotten birthday ended. He missed her a lot. About as much as he missed his dad.


	7. Let's Lose Our Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tuesday, 3 1/2-ish weeks since meeting. april 25th, 2017.

It was Tuesday now, and neither Geoff nor Awsten had talked to eachother all morning - granted, they only had one class together, which was after lunch. Geoff sat at his table along with all the others, and Claire noticed how absent minded he seemed, as he was just staring into his cardboard-like pizza.

"You okay?" She asked, sat right next to Geoff. Her voice was low enough so only he could hear. Her pinkish hair fell into her face as she ate a forkful of her salad.

"Hm? Oh, yeah." He said in reply, looking up at her. He cracked his knuckles and popped his neck as well. "Just a long night. Derek and I were fighting about mama again. I swear, he just won't quit. Just between you and I, all this is bringing back the nightmares. It's unbearable, and he just keeps fucking going and they keep getting more vivid. It's exhausting."

"I'm sorry, Gee. I love Derek, but he's gotta quit it. I can tell it's tearing you to shreds." Claire replied. She kept from inputting her opinion too much, as she knew that Geoff would latch onto every word. He was weird like that; he was quiet and seemingly careless, but she knew when he got home he played back all conversations of importance, just out of habit.

" That obvious?" Geoff asked, laughing dryly.

"Nah. I just know you better than you do. So, what else is going on in your brain? I can see the gears turning. I'm telling you, I'm psychic. There's something more than just family." Claire responded with a smirk.

"I'll tell you after school. Anyways, what's been going on with you? Something, I'm sure of it. You're not the only psychic one." Geoff said, sensing something was off about his best friend by the way she was biting her nails between sentences.

"I''ll tell you after school." Claire's original smirk widened into a smile as she mocked him. Geoff rolled his eyes as Claire got up to return her tray.

Suddenly, the noise of the cafeteria's door closing caught Geoff's attention. Awsten was apparently late to school, hence the noise of the large doors shutting behind him. Geoff watched as he walked towards his normal table, with Zakk, Sasha, Ashley and the other random boys. It took everything out of Geoff to not laugh.

Awsten was wearing a blue t-shirt with a pink bomber jacket and lightwash jeans. Pretty normal. But what got Geoff's attention was that his hair was in extremely messy, he had on baby pink lipgloss and he was wearing fucking sunglasses. Indoors. At school. He also had an opaque bottle in his hand that no doubt had some vodka in it so he'd have an easier time coming out of his obvious hangover.

What really sold it though, was the way he was acting. He had a slight stumble to his walk and looked like he was hiding something. As he sat down, he looked around the room and when he saw nobody looking, grabbed a handul of aspirin and dry swallowed it. Geoff could see the hangover radiating off of him. He definitely drank more when he got home last night.  
He looked like Britney Spears circa 2007 attempting not to be seen in public.

Once he was done downing the aspirin, he moved his sunglasses upwards, exposing his eyes and rested his head on his hands. Geoff smiled as he watched Awsten have a conversation with Zakk, probably about how much his head hurt. God, he was cute.  
Geoff's eyes widened at his own comment, and he looked away for a second, attempting to collect his thoughts. When he looked back, Awsten's eyes were locked on his.

"You good?" Geoff mouthed from across the room.

Awsten blushed and nodded, biting his lip. There the thought was again. The one that thought Awsten was... attractive. Geoff cursed at himself in his head.

"What's up with you and the Knight kid?" Jawn suddenly asked. Geoff felt Claire sit beside him once again.

"Hm?" Geoff responded, suddenly being pulled out of his headspace.  
"Saw you mouthing to him. What was that about?" Jawn continued.

"Oh, that. Nothing, just making sure he was gonna be at fourth. Need to talk about the project with him, you know?" Geoff lied, tapping his fingers against the lunch table.  
Jawn just nodded in response. Fuck.

Geoff may've developed a crush on Awsten Knight.

\--

Awsten didn't end up showing up to fourtb period.

On a normal day, maybe this would be okay for Geoff, because fourth usually wasn't too bad, but today he was stuck partnering up with Kellin and Vic because the class had an odd number of kids.

These two had to be the most off-track pair in the entire classroom, maybe even grade. Geoff himself even forgot what they were supposed to be doing because they were so fucking distracting.

"Vic, wanna make a bet as to how many mini- dice I can fit in my nose?" Kellin asked his best friend - boyfriend? - Vic. Geoff was so done with them at this point, he just sat back during this one.

You see, Vic wasn't that bad. He was mostly calm and reserved. He didn't cause drama or trouble much at all, and was actually really nice. But with Vic, also came Kellin.

Kellin was loud and obnoxious. He didn't do his work, in fact he tended to cheat off Vic, and he distracted others from doing their work. Geoff figured he'd be pretty fun to get high with, though. However, despite being very different, they were constantly together. 

Everyone just figured they were dating at this point - constantly holding hands, sharing glances, practically being attached at the hip - but didn't really care to ask.

"Babe, no! That's a terrible idea!" Vic replied, pulling the small cubes away from the boy with black hair before he could do anything. Geoff figured the pet name sort of proved his theory.  
"You're no fun!" Kellin replied, sticking his tongue out at the brunette.

"Okay, we should probably get to work... whatever we're supposed to be working on." Geoff said somewhat randomly. God, he missed Awsten.

"Ooooh, drama!" Kellin shared a glance with Vic and smiled violently.

"Wait... what?" Geoff questioned, extremely confused as to how saying they needed to get back to work was considered dramatic.

"You just said 'God, I miss Awsten' In this super dreamy voice. You totally have a crush on him, man." Vic inquired.

"I do not." Geoff replied, denying it (out loud) completely.  
"Yes, you do." Kellin said.  
"Do not."  
"Do too."  
"Do not."  
"Do too."  
"I don't!"  
"You do!"  
"But I don't!"  
"But you do!"  
"I fucking do."  
"Aha!"  
Shit.

\--

"Okay, so, spill the tea. What's going on up there in Geoffrey land?" Claire asked as she collapsed onto his bed, smiling. The dreaded school day was finally over, and although she could only stick around for around an hour, likely less as she was a part of the school's play and they had rehearsals from 4:30-7, she was desperate to hear this.

"Fine. But only because I really need to hear it come out of my own mouth. I've been sitting on it for awhile, but today it just began fucking bursting through..." Geoff replied, collapsing onto the bed himself. They were both now on their backs in the starfish position on his bed, lying next to each other.

"Is this the part where you tell me you're gay and I say I already knew all along? Because, um, I'm pretty damn sure we did that ten years ago." Claire giggled.

"Oh, shut up." Geoff said, lifting his hand and hitting his best friend's shoulder. "I think I have a crush on Awsten with a W."

"Well, fuck." Claire replied blankly. "I'm assuming Knight?"

"How many other fucking Awstens with a W go to our school?" Geoff laughed, holding his hand over his stomach.

"I don't know, asshole! I was just making sure!" Claire replied. "So, how do you know?"

"I mean, I just do." Geoff replied. "He just... his eyes are two different colors, but ones like blue-hazel and the other is green-hazel, and they shine in the daylight. Turn even greener. And like, I'm not a nose guy, but his nose is all cute and buttony you know? And his lips look soft as fuck, same with his skin. He seems like he moisturizes. He totally does. But like, did you see him today? That fucking messy haired look with those paris hilton sunglasses and the bomber jacket? He's a fucking icon, Claire."

"It all about the looks to you?" Claire joked. Geoff seemed offended.

"It's not, man! He- he's such a good guy! Like, I know he gave me double black eyes and whatever, but he's actually really nice. So fucking sweet. He can get aggressive, but only if you really piss him off and do something like, phobic. He's got a heart of gold. And god, his sense of humor is amazing. You should hear his laugh! Fuck, it's like a hundred angels singing, it's like, that amazing Claire."

"Damn, you really are head over heels." Claire laughed.

"You seem rather... calm." Geoff replied suspiciously.

"I mean, yeah. Kinda expected it if I'm honest. Somewhat opposites attract." She smiled and sat up.

"Speak of the Devil..." Geoff mumbled as his phone went off, signaling a text from no one other than Awsten.

Aws: u wanna hang out @ park in a few? i have 


	8. Find A Way To Say That You Knew Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 1/2 weeks since meeting. april 27th, 2017.

A whole lot of hours had passed and a whole lot of work wasn't done on the project. Neither of them cared at this point. They had both given up for the night. It was now dark out and the sky was lighting up with stars, trees surrounding them, and no one else occupying the place. It was peaceful. It wasn't time for work. Awsten didn't exactly know what it was time for, though.

As Geoff and him laid on the grass like they were straight out of The Fault In Our Stars, the only noise was both of their even breaths along with the sound of crickets. There was faint city noise too, of course, but it was just all white noise to both of them.

Awsten felt the dew from the grass leak onto the back of his shirt, and although slightly cold, he could've cared less about it.

"I think about death a lot." He said without even thinking.

"I do too." Geoff replied honestly. His hand was tucked behind his head as he stared into the stars.

"God, I feel like I'm some emo teenager begging for attention when I say that, but I just needed to say it. It's been, well, killing me." The light haired boy continued.

"Death is a strange concept. Our existence is completely pointless, as we just keep living until eventually we cease to exist. Cease to have anything left of us after fifty years, unless we're some extraordinary being whom marks history." Geoff replies. Awsten is slightly shocked by the honesty and brutality.

"I mean, what is the point of living? I don't understand it." Awsten breathes out. "They tell us that our point is to have a successful career and raise a family, but what's the point of that when everyone is going to die anyways? They convince us death is just an inconvenience that we'll just have to watch out for in the meantime, when in fact we could die at any moment in time. They convince us that suicide solves nothing, when really it solves everything - personally, anyways. As for others, it's just a matter of time till they die by whatever life throws at them, or at least die inside."

"Yeah. All in all, no matter the situation, we all end up just a blip on someone's timeline. And we will all die. But even so, we affect others a great deal. One small thing we do can change everything forever," Geoff says carefully.

"The butterfly affect." Awsten interrupts with a whisper. "I'd like to think that life really is useful for something other than being God's flatscreen television. I'd like to think there's a point. Maybe the point of life is to just live. 

Live through it. Do what you want, I guess. To affect others whether that's in a positive way. But our lives are a shitty sitcom with no script, there for whoever's watching's entertainment. There's no point other than to end the show. And i guess that's okay."

"I agree. God is fucked. The world is fucked, but life has a point, no matter how stupid. There is an end to it, but we aren't smart enough to actually figure out what comes after the end. We can't just erase off the planet Earth, can we? Can our minds just stop once we're declared dead? Just completely evaporate? I don't think so. I think that's bullshit. All our minds gotta go somewhere. Do something. Life's got a point, we just can't figure out what the fuck it is until it's totally late to live it anymore. Like playing a board game before reading the instructions."  
The spring breeze speeded up a little bit, making Awsten shiver. "Life is stupid and unfair. But i don't want to figure out what death is like quite yet. I can't risk death being even worse, and then not being able to change my mind."

"I'm normally pretty set on what I want," Geoff begins. "But on the topic of death? That's seriously final. And i don't think I'll ever be able to decide that."

"I've tried to kill myself. More than once." Awsten blurted out. Why did he say that? He hadn't even told his mom that information.

"That's... that's some heavy shit." Geoff replied. "I've thought about it, but like I said - indecisive on this subject. The way I see it is the mistakes you made won't leave you... and if you don't become famous, it's up to those who come after you to continue your legacy. You live your life because it's the only option you have, and that's okay. Because there is good in life. There is, you know? Some day, some fucking way, this'll all end. But that's okay, because in the end, we'll know that we lived our lives to the fullest extent possible, and that we probably did something to make the world a better place."

Damn.

"I... I agree." Awsten replied. "But in some moments, I can't help but think that maybe I, and the world, would improve if I was just gone, you know? I wouldn't have to deal with all the sadness and bullshit anymore."

"Yeah, but the thing is, that sadness just gets passed on to your family or friends. But even if there really is no one that supports you - which there almost always is, even if you don't see it - you'll also never laugh again. Never experience happiness again. Never have a pet, never hang out with friends again, never get a job you like. You'll never get to experience skydiving, or go to the beach - perhaps again, never meet the love of your life." He pauses after that one for a second, but still continues.

"You'll- you'll never draw something you're proud of again, or eat the food you like again, or like, get to do new makeup looks. You'll never get to fucking dye your hair, or go on bike rides, or do any of that shit. Life is fucked but it's the good things that make it worth living. You have to live, but not just for others. For your fucking self." He chokes out. He's seemingly very sensitive towards this topic. Awsten could tell that he was trying to keep back a couple tears.

"You know, I like you better when you're like this." Geoff says quietly.

"Like what?" Awsten asks, already understanding what he means but still craving the confirmation. He wasn't sure why he appreciated Geoff's opinion, but he did.  
Geoff pauses. "Yourself. Nice." He replies after a minute.

Awsten ignores the first part. "Well, I'm only really nice when I'm high. Or around you, I guess. I wonder why that is."

Awsten knows why that is. The butterflies in his stomach that are flying up his esophagus, begging to be voiced, persevere too much to ignore mentally.

Geoff just nods, and their hands interlock. Not another word is spoken as their backs face the ground, and it stays silent, in a comfortable fashion, until they both have to part their seperate ways later that night.

Both wished that part of the night never ended.

\--

"Mom, I'm home! I'm sorry for staying out a little late, I know it's like midnight but we were uh, pretty deep into that studying, you know?" Awsten called out as he walked into the foyer of the apartment, looking around for his mom. He knew she'd still be awake. He was still sort of in a daze from the deep discussion Geoff and him had hours ago.

They had laid in the grass for what felt like forever.

He looked around until he spotted his mom on walking down the hall, towards him. She was wearing a nightgown. Fuck, she might've been trying to sleep. Awsten felt bad for a second. She continued down the hall until she reached the kitchen and dining area, stopping at the island and widening her eyes.

"Awsten, my credit card is in my purse, in my room. Go get it. And call a cab. Now." She said, not moving.

"Is something wrong? Wh-" Awsten began, furrowing his eyebrows as he rounded the corner, going towards the hallway in which she just came from. And that's when he looked down at the floor. Between his mom's ankles was a puddle of clear liquid. Fück. She was having the baby.

\--

It was hours before the baby was born, but, obviously, it happened.

Her name was Harper. Awsten forgot how much she weighed, but he knew she was born on the 27th. He wished Gracie was here to see her, but she was god knows where at this point.

She, as in his new sister, was beautiful. And Awsten would do pretty much anything to protect her, that he swore. Even if he knew that down the road, she was going to be the pain-in-the-ass younger sibling he had once been.

But he didn't have time to ponder on the past. He had a goddamn adorable baby in his arms, one that didn't know wrong from right, let alone red or blue. And that was all that mattered.


	9. Like Everyone, I've Been Conceited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wednesday. one month since meeting. may 3rd, 2017.

"Hey, have you seen Awsten? He hasn't been here since last Thursday." Geoff asked Derek as he gripped the steering wheel. Geoff was exhausted, but he forced himself to get out of bed this morning.

He missed Awsten, and was sort of worried - was it normal to miss a friend this intensely? - as he hadn't seen him for nearly a week and he wasn't responding to any of his texts.

"Nah. What makes you think I hang out with Knight anyways? And why do you wanna know?" Derek inquired. Geoff just came out to have a good time, and honestly, he was feeling so attacked right now.

"Hasn't been at school or answering his phone, so he hasn't been able to hang out all week, therefore not being able to work on the project." Geoff replied as he parked the car, preparing for another day of hell.

Derek hesitated before responding, looking out the window and seeing the boy Geoff supposedly wasn't friends with. "Mhm, sure. Well, there Prince Charming is now. Later, loser."

Geoff just rolled his eyes and scoffed, but noticed that Derek actually wasn't wrong - Awsten was not ten feet away from his car. As Derek exited, Geoff rolled down the window of his truck and called Awsten's name.

"Pssst! Awsten!" He semi-whispered, gesturing for the blue-eyed boy to get in the car with him. Awsten looked around for a second, but complied.

As Awsten got into the passenger seat, Geoff studied him. He looked like he'd recently been in some sort of minor accident - his eye bags were accentuated, pale blue hair in all directions and his outfit, in comparison to normal, a mess. A way oversized sweater paired with old leggings and toms. No prada jacket, no designer jeans or leather skirt. It was weird, he seemed almost... average.

Geoff still found him attractive, obviously, but he noticed that the boy just seemed very off and unlike himself.

The currently grey skies (despite it being May) cast an extra sort of, well, depressing vibe onto him. He didn't look sad, per say, just... exhausted.

"So, mind telling me where the fuck you've been?" Geoff asked after a second of tension. Awsten bit his lip and Geoff noticed the way his own hands interlocked with each other.

He blew a strand of hair out of his face before responding. "My mom, well, just gave birth. I'm gonna tell you some pretty fucking top secret stuff right here, alright? So my words don't leave this shitty truck."

Geoff pretended to be offended for a moment. "Okay, yeah. I've got you. My lips are sealed."

"Good." Awsten replied, twiddling his thumbs. "Well, my dad is- let's just say gone. He doesn't bring any money in because he's gone, and he obviously can't babysit either. My mom and I are struggling to make ends meet, so while she looked for jobs that had a night shift option, that or free child care anyways. So while she was out all day, I had to watch my sister and stuff. Fucking sucks, and sorry about the whole not being able to work on the project thing."

Geoff bit the inside of his cheek. Awsten Knight didn't have the perfect life. This was news to him. "Wow. I'm sorry. I had no idea."

"Good. I don't tell anyone this stuff, alright? I gotta keep up my popular rich boy façade. I mean, thank you, but it's good you're hearing it from me and not anyone else." Awsten responded, pointing his finger in Geoff's face.

"But... Why? Wouldn't you rather be yourself?" Geoff asked, checking the time to make sure they wouldn't be late to class - not like he'd necessarily care all that much, because he really would've liked to scream 'fuck you' at his first period teacher, but he figured it wouldn't hurt.

"I mean, now, yeah. But sophomore year when I moved here, as the new kid? Nah. I thought the popular statistics were the same as back in Oregon. But, nope. Totally different. Too late to correct myself now, though." Awsten responded with a blank mind.

"But... why is it too late or whatever?" Geoff sighed out, watching his brother walk into the school out the window of his truck.

"Because, Geoff, you know what people hate more than a poor kid with only one active parent?" Awsten asked him fairly, an odd glistening in his eye.

"Hm?" Geoff questioned.

"A liar."

\--  
"Hang out with me at lunch."

Awsten just randomly came out of nowhere, it being the middle of passing time between second and third period. Geoff was just trying to get to geography, and he was going to be late if he didn't just agree to it, so he nodded.  
Although clarified, Geoff still wasn't exactly sure as to how him and Awsten were considered friends. They hung out, and did friendly things, but it was so much more different than what he had with Sabrina, Jack, or even Claire.

Awsten smiled and blushed slightly. "Sweet. Meet me in the field when lunch starts, or even before. Way out by the old bleachers. I'll probably be there early."

"Wait..." Geoff began, tapping Awsten's shoulder as he turned around, obviously trying to make it to class on time. "Are we getting baked? Because I don't have a lighter on me, and I don't bring a fucking pipe to school."

"Hm." Awsten tapped his bottom lip with his pointer finger. "I haven't decided yet. But probably not, being Ms Hannah would murder me if I skipped her class again or showed up high as hell. See you in 45 minutes."

"Later." Geoff called before returning on his route to geography.

\--

Awsten had snuck out near the end of third period in an attempt to get to the field early, and thankfully wasn't caught. He'd been laying in the grass for around ten minutes now, or at least that was what he'd guess. He hadn't bothered checking the time.

"Hey." He heard Geoff, out of the blue. It scared him a bit - perhaps that was how the brown haired boy felt when he snuck up on him an hour ago.

"Hey." Awsten sat up, letting his arms support his upper body. "Come sit, or lay down. It's pretty nice."

Geoff complied, taking off his leather jacket before laying beside Awsten in the dead grass, staring up at the surprisingly blue sky. Thank god pollution hadn't somehow managed to kill that off as well.

"So... What's your mom like?" Geoff asked.

Awsten thought for only a split second. "Strong."

"Is she like you?" Geoff continued. Awsten wasn't sure why he was so curious, but answered anyways.

Awsten wanted to respond with no, because I'm weak, but decided against that phrasing. "I mean, sort of. Personality wise, she- she's stronger. I'm not as tough as her. I mean, she's not tough, but she's dealt with a lot of things in her life, you know? She's kind to pretty much everyone, no matter their situation in life." Awsten smiled, but his smile dropped when he forcibly mumbled "good at decision making."

"She's soft spoken too, and doesn't yell unless necessary. She's pretty great. I'm lucky. But don't get me wrong, when she's mad it's terrifying. I'm pretty sure the voice she talks in when angry is scarier than actual yelling."  
Geoff smiled softly in response.

"It- it's a funny situation. My dad used to always question why it was that they were both accustomed to the silent treatment while I'm more of the kicking and screaming type." 

Awsten's eyes watered slightly at the mention of his dad, but moved on otherwise.

"Physically my mom and I have similar attributes, though. I guess anyways. My natural hair color - brown - is the same as hers. We have different eyes, hers are a dark green color while mine are - whatever they are. We have similar noses, too." He stopped after Geoff started breaking out into a laughing fit.

"What's so funny?" Awsten asked, genuinely confused as to why Geoff looked like he was having a panic attack.

"You-" Geoff paused, still laughing, "-with brown hair! I don't know why, but it's hilarious!"

"Oh, my god." Awsten smiled widely. "What's so funny about that?"

"A brown haired and multicolor-eyed gay boy. Might as well go au natural and go into the porn industry already, because everyone in that area of work would eat it the fuck up." Geoff replied between laughter, being as blunt as possible.

"Oh my god, Geoff, no! I haven't had brown hair for five years, and am not planning on going back any time soon! Especially for that reason!"

"Why did you even dye your hair in the first place?" Geoff asked. Awsten's cheeks turned bright red.

"Oh god, I was hoping you wouldn't ask that question." Awsten said in response.

"Why?" Geoff asked.

"Because, I did it in the middle of my emo phase... Oh god, the worst. I was just a sad little gay boy trying to repress my feminine attributes by playing it off as part of the emo... revolution. It used to be dark blue."

"You called it that? Oh my fucking god! This is pure gold! I can already imagine you with bright red eyeshadow and leather jeans!" Geoff exclaimed, his original upright position being ruined, after falling onto his back from laughter.

"Oh, shut up! You probably weren't much better! You're still edgy as hell!" Awsten replied, voice getting higher pitched than usual as he stood up.

"Yeah, yeah." Geoff replied. "Now, help me up."  
Awsten complied, grabbing his hand and hoisting him up. As soon as he was standing, he noticed their hands were still interlocked but said nothing in fear of making things awkward. "S'probably time for 3rd, by the time we get back anyways."

"Yeah, probably." Geoff replied. With that, they headed back towards the school, hands still tightly intertwined. No one in the massive clusters of people said anything.


	10. Let's Start This Again, For Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> saturday. nearly 5 weeks of being acquainted. may 6th, 2017.
> 
> someone explain why i'm so committed to this fic that i deadass timed it down to the exact dates.

It was Friday night. Geoff told his dad he was going to some party, which was pretty false information, being he was actually going to the lake with Awsten tonight. He'd known that if he'd told him the truth, the fact that him and Awsten were pretty much going on a date, he'd make a big deal out of it.

Okay, maybe it wasn't a date. Then again, maybe it was - Geoff still wasn't sure what his intentions were when inviting Awsten to a lake at 9:00pm on a Friday night.

Okay, so maybe Geoff did.

He sort of really wanted to kiss Awsten, which he'd been sort of repressing for a couple of weeks now. And now, here they were, on the dock just sitting and staring at the starlight reflecting onto the water. It was the perfect chance.

But Geoff didn't take it.

"My uh, mom is in prison. That's why I don't talk about my family very much." Geoff blurted out, Awsten's hand in his own. He couldn't really help it, he felt like he was in some sort of altered universe. Plus, if Awsten and him were going to be a thing like, for real then Geoff needed to get the hard stuff out first.

Well, maybe he'd wait awhile for the other details of this story in particular.

"Oh. I'm sorry." Awsten responded, leaning his head against Geoff's shoulder and staring at the water moving. It was surprisingly peaceful - Awsten used to think places like this didn't exist in Cali.

"She um- she murdered my aunt. In front of me. As well as other things... But I saw- I saw the knife plunge into her chest and I saw the blood on my mom's hands." Geoff said without thinking. He'd only known Awsten for a little over a month and already he was spilling his mommy issues.

But little did Awsten know, he was only scratching the surface of his broken relationship with the woman he called his mother.

Geoff walked through his front door. His first day of sixth grade was exhausting, and the kid really just wanted a snack and then a nap. But there was a lot of yelling - too much, too loud to even close his eyes.

The yelling just worsened. He could recognize one voice as his mom, the other his aunt.

"You're not taking custody of my fucking kids! They're mine! I can parent however I'd like, the law can go fuck itself!" He heard his mom scream. He did the only thing his young mind could think of, and walked towards the doorway to the kitchen.

It was, in fact, his mom and her sister. His mother was seemingly preparing for dinner - probably something that took a long period of time - and was gripping a kitchen knife. They didn't see him.

"I cannot believe you! Do you understand what you've done to Geoffrey, Lana? Do you really? You're going to fucking hell, no matter how much you beg for forgiveness. Parents are supposed to protect their children, not cause them trouble. He's going to struggle so much in life thanks to you and these... horrid thing you've done to him for god knows how long. How long has it been going on, Lana? You know what, screw that. I'm calling CPS... They'll deal with you, and although they can't undo what you've done, they can create a more stable environment for your children."

"Fuck you! You don't know anything about parenting, CPS would never place them with you, even if you did call, even if I was sent to jail. But you won't, because you don't have the fucking balls!"

"Watch me." His aunt replied, still screaming.  
And that's when the knife plunged into her chest. God, there was so much blood. So, so much. Geoff saw it flood the ground, forming a deep red puddle underneath her.

Tears filled his eyes.

"Lan- la-" Were the last words that she managed to choke out before collapsing onto the ground. His mother said nothing, just turned around and noticed Geoff in the doorway.

She crouched down and cupped his face with her hand. "Hi, Geoffy. I'm sorry you had to see that, baby. But we're safe now. Your auntie won't be bothering us anymore."

"Holy shit. Geoff, I'm so sorry. That- fuck. Are you okay?" Awsten asked after a few moments of silent. His head wasn't on Geoff's shoulder anymore, he was just looking up at him in concern.

"I mean, both yes and no. I have diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder and go to counseling once every two weeks. I get night terrors constantly, and the relationship I have with my mom is shattered. But I'm alive, and I'm working through it." Geoff replied.

"That- that's cool. Courageous, I suppose. My dad- he's actually in a coma. My mom told me recently that if by August, marks a year, he doesn't wake up... we're gonna have to pull the plug. Too expensive to keep him in the hospital. I- that's why I had that breakdown a couple weeks ago and got drunk on a monday night."

"Shit." Geoff responded, slightly awkwardly. He gestured towards the water. "Would going for a swim improve your mood at all?"

"I guess yeah, but I didn't exactly expect to go for a swim at midnight, so I don't have anything exactly to swim in." Awsten laughed.  
Geoff pulled off his own shirt, smiling widely as he threw it behind him, onto the rest of the dock. "Boxers exist."

"I mean, yeah, I guess they do." Awsten said, being slightly persuaded by Geoff's shirtless-ness that he could just barely see in the moonlight. He tugged off his sweater and did the same as Geoff.

Geoff took off his belt, and Awsten cracked his neck as he stood up. "But, wait, if my boxers are drenched, what am I supposed to do on the way back? Go commando?"

Geoff stood up as well and pushed down his own pants. "I mean, yeah. Worth it."

"I can't believe I agreed to this." Awsten laughed as he stood at the edge of the dock, one article of clothing away from being completely naked. It was a little awkward, actually. He felt pretty fucking exposed to the cool air.

"I can." Geoff replied, now right behind him. Before the blue-haired boy could respond, Geoff pushed him into the lake, diving in right after him. Awsten was in complete shock for a moment, the cold being a lot more in comparison to the air he'd once complained about. But as soon as he realized he couldn't actually breathe underwater like Percy Jackson, he swam up to the surface and spat a bunch of water out of his mouth, where Geoff was accompanying him.

"Race you to the other side." Geoff said without thinking, both of them now treading water, hair slicked back.

"That's like, 70 feet." Awsten replied, attempting to see the other side of the lake. Across the large body of water, there was a waterfall that came out of a large rock that was naturally beside the lake, which looked really cool, actually. Awsten smirked for a second, before staring back at Geoff. "You're on."

And with that, both boys swam as fast as they could towards the opposing side. Awsten kicked his legs as fast as he could, water thrashing around him and adrenaline kicking in.

After he heard Geoff sigh loudly, even halfway underwater, he stopped. Geoff won, and could easily touch the bottom of the lake at this point. Awsten, however, wasn't so lucky, as he was a couple inches shorter in height.

Once Awsten was over to him, he wrapped his arm around Geoff's neck to hold himself up. It was sort of awkward, which both of them laughed lightly about, but they carried on otherwise. It was easy to be held up in the water, though.

After they were both done sighing in exhaustion, their glances faced the waterfall. The moonlight lit it up softly, and the sound of the water falling was really nice sounding.  
Awsten honestly felt like he was in the middle of a romance movie; it was nice, in the midst of the mess of his life.

"You know..." Geoff begins, moving Awsten and making him wrap both his hands around his neck, "I'm pretty sure that it's against like, every rule in the book that says enemies shouldn't fall for each other."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is." Awsten replied cheekily.

Geoff smirked slightly. "Well, that's unfortunate. Because, well, I've fallen for you, you loud, annoying, pastel motherfucker."

"Romantic." Awsten responded, feeling his cheeks heat up. He was thankful that the moonlight wasn't quite that bright. "But what's even more romantic is that I've seemingly fallen for your punk ass too."

And that was it. Awsten's legs wrapped around Geoff's waist, and their noses bumped before their lips collided. All either of them could feel was fireworks. It was sort of awkward, but both of them were too distracted to even care, just laughing into each others' mouths before continuing.

Frankly, it was perfect, and all that either of the boys could've ever asked for.


	11. Seventeen & Strung Out On Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> monday night/tuesday morning. 5 weeks since meeting.

"Derek, shut the fuck up! You didn't see it! You didn't see how careless she was afterwards!" Geoff screamed at the top of his lungs, stomping down the stairs.

Derek was attempting to persuade Geoff into seeing their mom again, and as per usual, Geoff wasn't having it.

"I don't care! I just know that she's our mom, and deserves better than this bullshit!" Derek yelled, surprisingly not following. He just stood at the top of the stairs, glaring down at his brother.

Geoff's fingers were tucked into his palms tightly, fingers turning near-white. He was fucking pissed. His dad was still at work, at it was nearing one in the morning, and it was taking every fiber of his being not to get into a physical fight with Derek.

"You have no fucking idea how much I want to punch you right now. You. Didn't. See. I did, and I'm fucked for life because of it, so I'm going to get out of here so I don't deck your ass and get grounded." Geoff responded, opening the front door, slamming it behind him and storming out.

After a few moments of cooling off, and another few of punching trees, he pulled out his phone. Claire and Sabrina were hanging out at the moment, and Jawn was visiting family in Mexico, so he called the only other person he could think of; Awsten.

Geoff slightly hesitated before hovering over his contact and pressing the button. "Yeah, hey, I know it's late but... I was wondering if I could crash at your place for the night? Or just, something? I dunno I just-"

"Geoff, it's fine. I'll... I'll text you my address. Text me when you get here instead of knocking. See you in a few." And with that, Awsten hung up.

\--

No one from school had ever been to Awsten's apartment. It was going to be so embarrassing, Awsten could sense it heavily. Geoff's house was so nice, and he was going to hate this place.

Geoff: here.

Awsten gathered himself and walked over to the front door, almost forgetting he was just in boxers and an old t-shirt, half asleep when Geoff had called.

He unlocked the door and let him inside, covering his mouth with his forefinger as to signal that he needed to be quiet. The baby was sleeping, and if she woke up, Awsten was in deep shit.

"I like your apartment." Geoff whispered as Awsten lead him through the hall and into his room, carefully shutting the door behind the two boys. He seemed exhausted, which Geoff couldn't blame him - it was late. He sort of felt bad actually, in the case that he woke the multicolor-eyed boy up.

Once they were inside and sat on his bed, Awsten decided to reply."Thanks. Probably not what you expected, though."

Geoff smirked. "Not necessarily, but I've learned not to have expectations."

"Okay, we should probably go to bed, gotta get up early, you know?" The blue-haired boy giggled, laying back. Geoff still sat up.

"Can I kiss you again?" He asked out of the blue.

Awsten blinked for a couple seconds, feeling the red fill up his cheeks before sitting up. "Yeah, yeah you can d-"

Before Awsten could finish, Geoff had tilted his body to face Awsten and their lips were locked immediately.

It took Awsten a second to adjust, after all it was kind of unexpected, but he did after fairly minimal time.

They ended up sat there for like, twenty seconds, lips sliding back and forth together. It felt like forever, but in the best way possible.

"Alright." Awsten sighed out as soon as they stopped.

"Alright." Geoff responded in a daze. He just wanted to do it again, possibly forever, but respected Awsten's boundaries.

Awsten flipped the blankets over and crawled into them, rolling on his side. "Um, goodnight."  
Geoff did the same, but wrapped his arms around Awsten. "Cool. Um, yeah, goodnight."

\--

Awsten woke up with an empty bed. He was used to it, obviously, but it was weird after falling asleep with Geoff next to him. He was a little shocked, actually.

It felt empty.

Despite this, he checked the time - 9:00am. Okay, so that made sense. Awsten figured Geoff just left for school and figured that he wouldn't want to go - which wasn't exactly wrong.

After laying in bed for a good fifteen minutes, he ultimately decided to get up. His mom would likely need him to watch his sister today, as she hadn't woken him up for school. He just sighed out loud as he rolled off of his bed and groggily stood up, not really caring about the fact that he was just in his boxers and an old t-shirt. God, he couldn't believe he slept next to Geoff without any actual pants on. He must've been seriously tired.

As he walked out of his room and into the hall, he smelled something that had recently become unfamiliar - breakfast.

And as he continued, he noticed that Geoff was in fact still here, making scrambled eggs for them in the kitchen. And there, sat on a barstool, was his mom. They were having a conversation about what sounded like school, but Awsten couldn't have been too sure.

Geoff looked up for a second, noticing the black haired boy's unmoving body and confused facial expression. "Hey, babe. I just figured I'd make you breakfast - your mom said that she really needs us to stay home to take care of Harper, which is probably cool with my dad. Why didn't you tell me she was so cool?"

Awsten blinked for a moment, but ultimately decided to sit down on the barstool next to his mom before replying. "Um, okay... thanks?"

Awsten could've sworn he heard his mom mutter "he's a keeper," under her breath.  
"Anytime." Geoff replied with a smile, shoving a plate in front of Awsten. "Eat up, we've got a long day ahead of us."

\--

"Your mom left us a list for when the baby wakes up." Geoff said, staring down at the near-completely filled paper.

"She did indeed." Awsten replied nonchalantly, collapsing onto his bed. Geoff sat beside him hesitantly as well, putting his hand on the blue-eyed boy's knee.

Geoff smiled awkwardly before replying. "I've never actually, uh, taken care of a child before. Like, privately anyways. I can carry them and stuff, but I've never actually changed a diaper."

"That's cool, it's not that hard. She's newborn, so she's like, always mad at the world - much like myself - but she's not that difficult to deal with." Awsten laughed, shutting his eyes.

"Well, the schedule she gave us says the baby probably won't be up for like, half an hour and she already pre-made the bottles for us and stuff, so what do we do in the mean time?" Geoff asked, turning his head so he was facing Awsten.

"That's an easy one." Awsten responded, a cheeky smile displayed on his face. "You come over here and make out with me."

He didn't have to tell Geoff twice.

Geoff hovered over Awsten, lips instantly capturing the other boy's. Obviously it was slightly awkward, as Geoff's hair was falling into Awsten's face and neither of them had showered, but kissing was kissing and neither of them were truly complaining.

Awsten's hands were running up and down Geoff's back, the lower hem of his shirt moving upwards, and Geoff's hands were tangling in Awsten's hair, and it was going from an innocent make out session to something else entirely real quick.

That is, until the sound of a baby crying filled the room.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." Awsten grunted as Geoff moved off of him, the deafening noise of a sobbing child a little too disturbing to continue this.

Geoff laughed as he got off of the bed, heading towards the door with his hand extended towards Awsten. "You're such an asshole. We can do this again later, let's go feed your sister."

"She's the asshole here." Awsten muttered, taking Geoff's hand and continuing out the door, preparing for a day of domestic activities.


	12. I Feel Like My Ideas Lost Their Glow Somehow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wednesday. 5 1/2 weeks since meeting. may 10th, 2017.

Geoff pulled into his usual parking spot, stopping the car. He reached for the door's handle, but was interrupted before he could actually open it.

"What are we?" Awsten asked before biting his lip. He sort of forced it out, as it was kind of an awkward situation to have to define the relationship so early on, but he knew it was fairly necessary.

Geoff reached over slowly, interlocking his fingers with Awsten's. "I'd like to think that we're boyfriends, I guess."

Awsten continued, ignoring Geoff's response entirely. "I mean, we've kissed, a lot, and you took me on like, a sort of date, and it's getting kind of weird right? Like, I don't know what to call you, even though you've literally met my mom and took care of my baby sister for an entire day with me, you know? I know that I literally punched you a month and a half ago, but like, I feel like we've bonded a fuckton, you even saw me being all domestic and you saw my house, which literally nobody in this entire school has seen and- wait, what?"

"I mean, if you're cool with it, I wanna be boyfriends and stuff. Be the pastel and punk duo every tumblr girl fawns over, together." Geoff laughed in response.

"Oh my- yeah, yeah totally. I just didn't really think you liked me that much for some reason? I um, I don't know-"

"Awsie, of course I like you like that. You're like, the greatest. Why would I show up at your house at 1am on a school night otherwise?" Geoff responded, eyebrows knitting together, seemingly genuinely confused.

"Okay, yeah, you've got me there." Awsten smiled.

"But, I don't want us to be hidden or anything." Geoff replied somewhat seriously, watching as a group of students passed by his car. "I wanna show you off and stuff, and hold your hand in public. Tell my friends, you know?"

"I definitely agree. Didn't know you had friends, though. It's a bit shocking, really." Awsten teased.

"Oh, shut up."

\----  
saturday. 6 weeks since meeting. may 13th, 2017.

Awsten turned the cold knob that entered the hospital room and stepped inside. It looked the exact same as when he'd first seen it nine months ago.

This time around though, he didn't look at him. Not yet. Instead, he just pulled up a chair beside the ugly, light grey and blue bed and took his father's hand in his. It was still warm - a feeling Awsten would never get used to, his father using a tube to breathe yet his skin being as warm as it had been before the accident.

"Hi, dad. I hope you're doing okay today." He spoke, getting slightly emotional but preventing himself from crying. "I have some news. I uhm, I got a boyfriend. A real one this time. I like him, a lot. You would too."

"His name is Geoff. He has blue eyes, and pretty, light brown hair, and he's really sweet and he grew up Romanian, I think. Like, he can speak it and everything. I wish you and mom taught me another language growing up, that would've worked out in my favor - but that's okay, 'cause when you wake up, we can learn a bunch of new languages, together. I mean, I'm doing french next year anyways, but that can be my head start."

Awsten sighed. "But, back to Geoff. I like him a lot, a lot. When I'm around him, my heart feels like it's trying to maneuver it's way out of my chest and up my throat. I don't love him, it's been too little time to say that, but I can see myself with him in the future. For a long time. I love the idea of being with him for the rest of my life."

"I never came out to you, you know? You always knew, you had to have known, but I never got to actually say it; Dad, I'm gay. I guess it was just scary, even if I knew you'd accept me with open arms like mom did. It was especially scary, the whole being gay thing, with Trump running for president. He won, by the way, even if no one thought he'd win. Sucks. You always told me that as soon as he won, we'd move to Canada. I could never move away from you, though."

"Plus, mom and I don't have the money for it. We had to move out of our old house, you know? I don't think I told you... It happened awhile ago, when I didn't visit you. I was too scared. That move was hard. But we couldn't stay there - the rent was so much, dad. I don't know how you managed to pay the bills there. I appreciate you working so often a lot more now."

Awsten tightened his hand, attempting not to get too upset. "I miss you... So, so much. I just really, really want you to wake back up. I just wanna talk to you one last time, a conversation where you have the ability to respond."

And that's when he felt it.

It was brief, and not very strong, but there was pressure being reciprocated in his hand.

"Nurse!" Awsten practically screamed, a wash of relief flooding his body. His dad was going to be fine.

He'd spent all this time believing that god was fucking him over, that god was punishing him. Maybe it really was just a test. Maybe his dad was going to be fine, and they'd go back to normal. This was just a bad time in their lives, almost a year of suffrage.

His dad was going to meet his child. They'd all be able to move into a nicer house. Life was looking up.

Everything was going to be okay.

\--

A smile wouldn't leave Awsten's lips.

Not until the doctor called him back into the room and sat him down, anyways.

"Awsten, you see... That wasn't a sign of your father waking up." The doctor spoke after a moment of awkward silence and Awsten shaking in anticipation.

The shaking stopped.

His smile dropped.

"Wait... What?" Awsten asked, feeling goosebumps surface over every inch of him. The hospital suddenly felt even colder than it had when he originally walked in.

"I'm sorry if it got you rather excited," The doctor spoke, glancing at the charts on his lap, "But I actually have some unfortunate news... His vitals have actually had a recent decline. It's not by very much, but it isn't a good sign... Paired with the muscles in his hands spawning, it's actually a sign that he's less likely to wake up, at least anytime soon."

"I have to go." Awsten breathed out immediately, fingers tucked tightly into his palm.

He rushed out of the room, unclenching his hands as he collapsed against the wall and began uncontrollably sobbing. His back was sliding down the cold wall, freezing cold as he couldn't stop the tears streaming down his cheeks and the heavy feeling in his chest.

He'd had hope. That was his first mistake, really - hope was pointless, because he knew eventually it'd be shattered.

Shakily, he reached down towards his pocket and grabbed his phone, nearly dropping it in the process. He hovers over Geoff's contact for a moment, tears still falling down his face, before ultimately pressing the call button.  
As soon as the call is answered, Awsten spoke. "Geoff. I need you."

"Where are you?" Geoff asked quickly, concern lacing his voice.

"H-hospital." Awsten replied. "I'm doing a lot better now, I just- I need to go. I need you here."

"Okay. But Awsten, there's something I gotta talk to you about."

Awsten's stomach dropped for a second. "Wh- what about?"

"I think I'm going to visit my mom. In prison."


	13. I Still Keep My Fingers Crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> saturday. 8 weeks since meeting. june 3rd, 2017.

"It's gonna be fine, darling." Awsten says through the phone to his boyfriend as Geoff checked in.

Geoff sighed loudly. He wished he could tell Awsten the whole truth, but it wouldn't do anything but worry and convince Geoff not to go inside at this point. It wouldn't do any good. "Yeah, I hope so."

"You always have my shoulder to cry on. Good luck. I really like you." Geoff can nearly hear the smile and hope in his voice.

"I really like you too." And with that, Geoff hangs up.

\--

"Hi, baby." Lana coos from behind the glass separating her and her son from one another. She holds the phone in her hand, holding it up to her ear calmly, although Geoff can tell she's anything but that.

He could see one of her knees shaking, and he noticed a nervous twitch in her eye.

He wouldn't be all that calm either if he were in her situation. Geoff almost felt some sympathy towards her but then remembered; she wasn't even close to worth it.

Geoff generally wasn't that perceptive, however the only other thing to stare at in this room is other people or concrete walls.

He supposed other people were actually kind of interesting, though; There was an older woman with bleach blonde hair and acrylic nails scolding a heavily tattooed man through the glass, another elder woman staring critically at a young woman in front of her, and a gay couple consisting of an orange haired, blank-faced boy glaring at a brunette with his hand up to the barrier between them, almost craving his touch.

He wondered to himself what happened there.  
There was also the guard, who was currently scarfing down a donut like he hadn't eaten a meal in days.

He shook his head. Today was the day he confronted his mom. Tell her everything that'd happened since that day, that terrible day that would leave a permanent mark on his brain forever. Confront her about all those nights, all those years, leading up to him telling his aunt about it.

He had to man up, and do what his therapist told him he wasn't ready for. It was time, he could sense it; Felt it pump through his veins, reside in his heart. He was going to have a civilized conversation with her; About everything she'd ever done. He was going to be clear, and specific.

"Don't call me that." He finally replied, a harsh tone to his voice.

"You have always been a firecracker." She smiled, as if no time has passed since they last saw each other. The look in her eyes though, that was unforgettable; impassible. It was almost... Guilt. Geoff thought maybe that's why she decided to ignore their surroundings, and rather just converse as if nothing has ever damaged their relationship - scratch that, nothing she ever did damaged their relationship. "You look good, Geoffrey. Very handsome. Your father and I did a good job - you've seemingly grown into the young man I always knew you'd become. You have always been a mama's boy, you know."

_"It's okay, Geoffrey. You're mama's little boy, I'd never harm you." His mother whispered, removing his shirt._

_"Mama, what time is it? And what are you doing?" A nine year old Geoff whispered, shivering uncomfortably at the contact as he lifted up his arms._

__

__

__

_"That's not important, baby. We're going to play a game, but you can't tell anyone about it. Not even Derek. Alright?"_

__

__

_"Okay, mama. Anything for you."_

"Stop that." Geoff shot back, tears prickling the edges of his eyes. "Stop acting like everything is fine, because it's fucking not."

"Don't talk to me like that. I know I'm... here, but I still deserve your respect. You used to always be kind to me, you know." Lana continued, "Like I said, always been a mama's boy."

Geoff stood up and in a flash of anger, pounded against the glass swiftly. "Stop fucking saying that! Just fucking stop it! You fucked me up! You fucked with my head! You fucked with my body! You fucked everything up, and now I can barely look at myself without feeling fucking disgusted!" He screamed, now full-on sobbing. He didn't care about the gay couple, or the stupid guard, or the MILF. He just cared about yelling at the person who fucked over his life - whom was coincidentally the same person that birthed him.

All he cared about was making his mother, his whatever she was to him now, feel guilty, and fucking terrible about herself.

"You shut your goddamn mouth from now on! You haven't even fucking apologized, not that I would forgive you anyways! You fucking- you fucked me up!" Geoff continued, tears pouring from his eyes, not even caring when security grabbed him by his arms, muttering an 'alright, let's go,' as they dragged him out.

"You're a terrible fucking person and I hate you! All you fucking are is a pedophile that's going straight to goddamn hell!" Was all Geoff could finish screaming before he was out of the room, and eventually, dragged out of the building.

As tears poured out of his eyes, all he could think was time for a civilized conversation, my fucking ass.

\--

"So, Geoff, how did it go?" Derek asked as soon as his brother walked through the front door. Since Geoff had left earlier that morning (the car ride was fairly long) Derek had just waited on the couch in anticipation.

Derek just really, really wanted his family to be okay again. After their aunt had passed, their family had been so all over the place and all he wanted was as close to normal as they could when she was in prison.

You see, Derek knew that it was all a big misunderstanding. His mom had told him so, that his aunt had attacked her first and it was all self-defense. Geoff had just turned against her because he thought he saw everything, but he didn't. He was obviously just young and impressionable.

This visit probably cleared it all up.  
Or, as Derek noticed that Geoff's cheeks looked tear-stained, it didn't.

Geoff wasn't one to cry when he was happy.  
"I don't wanna fucking talk about it." Geoff replied passive-aggressively, but mostly just the second part. He slammed the front door behind him quickly, and tried to stomp up the stairs, but halfway through Derek got up from the couch and yelled again.

"What the fuck? No! I wanna know what the fuck happened! I wanna know why, after learning the truth, you still refuse to forgive her!"

"You wanna know the goddamn truth? Huh, Derek?" Geoff screamed harshly, voice cracking violently once hitting his brother's name.

Derek, not noticing the fact that Geoff's face completely fell, replied. "That's all I've been asking for, for years!"

Geoff felt his eyes get damp, and as loud as he could manage - which was only a shaky whisper - replied with "She fucked me up, she fucked me up so badly in more ways than one."


	14. You Are My Earth, You Are My Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thursday. nearly 10 weeks since meeting. june 8th, 2017.

"Skip with me, babe. I really don't wanna go to first. or second. or third. I just wanna take a nap... In your truck. And then maybe get something to eat." Awsten sighed, holding Geoff's hand in his as he playfully dragged Geoff towards the door.

"Aws, we've already missed a lot of class..." Geoff replied, voice trailing off as he subconsciously let himself be dragged away. He knew that at this point, Awsten would win whether he wanted to go or not, but he figured if he responded with something against the situation, he'd be able to say 'it wasn't my idea' if they were caught.

Scratch that, Geoff would likely never snitch on his boyfriend; He just felt like an upstanding member of society if he said no to skipping.

"I really just wanna spend time with my super hot boyfriend." Awsten teased, hand still wrapped around Geoff's wrist.

"Alright, fine." Geoff gave in. "We can stop by my house if you wanna get high. I think I still have some pot in a pill bottle stuck under my mattress. It's a couple weeks old, but who cares?"

Apparently he could say no to skipping, but not to drugs.

"Yay!" Awsten beamed, walking around to the other side of his boyfriend's truck, climbing into the passenger's seat as Geoff did the same, only hopping into the driver's. "And we can decide later. Just drive the car around the corner or something for now - I was serious about that nap."

Geoff smiled to himself, nodding as he stuck the keys into the admission as he prepared to back out. "So, Mr Knight, what's your reason for wanting to skip today?" He asked as he looked behind him.

"I dunno. I'm pretty tired." Awsten responded with a small yawn, moving his seat backwards before placing his feet up onto the dashboard, receiving a slight scowl from Geoff.

"Nuh-uh. I like you, a whole lot, but that's not happening. Take off your shoes if you insist on hurting my baby." Geoff replied as he drove out of the school's parking lot, miraculously not being caught. That wasn't an understatement, either - it was absolutely astounding that Geoff's bright red pickup truck got out of there without an old, chubby security guard in his mid to late forties chasing after him.

Awsten scoffed, but attempted to remove his tightly-tied shoes anyways. "I see how it is. 'Baby?' You really do like your car more than me."

"Well, my other babe, the car has been around me for a bit longer than you. And I'll have you know that it wasn't cheap. I've just gotta give you all the affection you want and three things off the McDonalds dollar menu and you'll be set for life." Geoff teased in response.

Awsten scoffed again, raising his eyebrows before lowering them gently. "Yeah, okay. You're kinda right. The occasional replacement of a faux leather gucci skirt that a little punk boy ruined doesn't hurt, though."

Geoff just let out a snicker, keeping his hands in the ten and two position on the steering wheel. "I'm going to ignore that last part, because I don't want to argue over who's fault that was. But I am always right."

Awsten thought for a moment. "Isn't the woman in the relationship supposed to be always right? And from a heterosexual standpoint, wouldn't I be considered the 'female' figure in this relationship?"

"Nope. We're both guys, I don't care what the heteros say. Even if you're a giant fucking bottom who wears skirts and makeup, you're just as male as I am." Geoff replied, turning his head a slight bit opposite to Awsten, looking   
out the windows and checking his side mirrors.

Awsten felt his cheeks get hot. "How are you sure I'm not like, super fucking dominate in bed? Like, what if I have a major daddy kink, but I'm the one being called daddy?"

"I know because frankly, your cheeks are bright ass red right now." Geoff shot back. "And back to the topic before your possible kinks, I firmly believe that gender is a construct. Tear it apart."

"Oh my god, I didn't think it was possible that I could like you this goddamn much. Keep it up with the drag race references, and I might consider falling in love with you at some point."

As Geoff parked his truck, he smiled softly and looked down at his lap before continuing to make eye contact with his boyfriend. "Then I'll work on making more drag race references, 'cause frankly It'll be an honor to be in love with you. Anyways, wanna head to the backseat? They're kind of crouched, but I'll let you lay on top of me while we nap, and we'll make it work. I actually like cuddling, a lot."

"I think that is the single best paragraph I have ever heard come from anyone's mouth." Awsten replied, smiling widelyas he waited to make his way into the backseat.

\----

Awsten woke up with the edges of his vision cloudy, which is his mind, signaled it was both much needed and extremely satisfying. His head was lying on Geoff's lap, Awsten being sprawled out across the backseats horizontally while Geoff was basically the same - limbs that Awsten wasn't atop practically in every corner manageable - only vertically. Rather than sitting up and waking the other boy's deep sleep, he just stared at his boyfriend peacefully - not an obsessive, weird, harsh stare though - rather it was an appreciative, caring, soft stare.

Awsten, however, ruined his tumblr moment because as soon as he heavily noticed Geoff's adam's apple bobbing up and down as he snored lightly, he couldn't help but giggle. As soon as he giggled, Geoff stirred.

Awsten clasped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to muffle his laughter, but it was unsuccesful as Geoff's stirring just made the movement even more obvious, and Awsten was giggling even louder this time.

Geoff's head, that was originally leaned way back, was now more right side up, and was moving side to side in an attempt to stretch it. Once it popped, Geoff finally said something, although muffled. "Wh-what?" His voice was raspy and quiet, and Awsten admittedly thought the way it sounded was really attractive. "Why- what's with the laughing?"

Awsten had then decided that half-asleep Geoff was really cute. "Nothing," He replied. "Just your adam's apple. It's really accentuated when you sleep. You snore, by the way."

Geoff was more awake now. Stretching out his arms, he denied it. "Nope, I don't," He said. "Now, how about that McDonald's I promised?"

\--

"So, I've gotta know," Geoff teasingly inquired, taking a bite out of his chicken nugget, "Why did you, the infamous Awsten Knight, deny free marijuana when given the option to smoke it with your amazingly hot boyfriend?"

"Okay, hotshot," Awsten began, grabbing one of his fries and pointing it at Geoff's face before dipping it into his shake, "You're probably expecting something real dumb like 'I'm lazy' or 'I wanna eat right now,' but I actually have a serious reason for this."

Geoff smirked, dying it down a little, but still continued to tease the raven haired one of the two. "Since when do you have the capability to have a serious conversation?"

"You weren't saying that at the lake, you fucking cheesy asshole." Awsten replied, rolling his eyes before taking a bite out of his fry. "But for reals, imma get deep. Let me talk."

"Did you just say 'imma' unironically?"

"Shut up! Now let me talk, I've got the floor now. You don't say one word. Zip it." Awsten shot back before consuming a couple fries, watching as Geoff pretended to zip his mouth shut, nodding his head. With a mouth half full of fry, Awsten said "good."

He held his index finger in the air for a moment as he chewed, signalling he needed a second. "Okay, so, I use getting high as a coping mechanism, right? Nod if you're getting what I'm saying here."

The blue eyed boy nodded.

"Well, not to romanticize mental illnesses or anything, but when I'm around you, most of the time I'm too busy feeling my heart pound out of my chest to get sad. And it's not like it's a good coping mechanism by any means, but I use weed to cope with my anxiety or depression, you know? So I don't- I guess I just don't need it when I'm with you. You make me happy. And it's not that I rely solely on you and weed to make me happy, it's just- I can't describe it. I don't like getting high as much when I'm not really stressed out, I guess. The sadness is still there, and the anxiety is still present, but it just relaxes a bit when I think of you."

Geoff nodded, smiling softly.

"I mean, I'm obviously stressed as fuck, my dad is in a fucking coma for gods' sake, but I only get high while I'm high stress. It works for me, and I guess I just don't experience as intense of stress when I'm around you - that, or I'm too busy to care."

Geoff was pretty sure he was falling for Awsten harder and harder each day they knew one another.


	15. Don't Matter If I Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wednesday, june 14th. 2nd to last day of school, 11 1/2 weeks since meeting. roughly 6 since (officially) dating. 
> 
> \--sorry if updates aren't really weekly. i'm going through some family/personal problems as of late.

"-And that, my friends, is the end of this presentation and slide show - thanks, Geoff - about the queer rights movement throughout history and how time has affected oppression towards the LGBT+ community." Awsten said fairly quickly, and although he was used to talking, a lot, he let out a big breathe because the entire presentation was honestly a mouthful.

You see, Geoff had a fairly large fear of speaking in front of crowds despite wanting to eventually join a band. When they were putting the project together a few weeks ago they'd both agreed that Awsten would be the one to primarily talk, while Geoff would primarily do the digital aspect including about three quarters of the research. The presentation part was very important on this project, and Awsten needed to practice a few times to get the charisma to kick in.

It was also convenient that Geoff loved to work with computers and loved to research, especially things he was personally passionate about - Awsten teased him about being a total nerd, but secretly he adored that aspect of Geoff a little too much.

"Okay, any questions?" Awsten finished, finally. What looked like three hands shot up, two of which Awsten recognized and one which he did not.

The first, was Zackary Merrick, who Awsten recognized because he talked behind Awsten's back, a lot. Awsten pretended he wasn't aware, at least for now, but he swore that on the last day of school he would tell him off for asking what's under Awsten's skirt to his friends. Awsten would beat his ass, but Zack worked out and Awsten was aware that'd be one fight he couldn't win.

So, when Zack's hand was raised first, Awsten reluctantly called on him. "Yeah, uh, I was wondering," He said, elbows resting on the table, his head moving forward to rest on his hands, "Why can you guys say 'Queer' and it's this super okay thing, but when I  say it I'm," His head was now off his hands so his fingers could form into quotes, "Homophobic."

Awsten was about to fire back, but was shocked to be cut off by his boyfriend. "Well Zackary, because 'queer' has been used as a slur towards the LGBTQIA community for decades and it's just recently we've decided to take that term back. That word, when used by a non-LGBT person, is extremely offensive and yes, homophobic. So unless you've suddenly got a craving for cock or have been a girl on the inside all along, you cannot fucking use it, Merrick."

The entire classroom, including Ms Hanna, was silent. Well, perhaps she was silent because she was playing angry birds on her phone, but that was besides the point.

Another kid waved his hand in the air. Ah yes, Nick Anderson, the kid who'd arrived a week after the project had begun and was forced to do his project alone. His was presented yesterday, and was basically why marijuana should be legal in all 50 states, which was also ironic because he'd started dealing it as soon as he arrived at school.

Awsten also vividly remembered him claiming he had a boyfriend in college named Westen, but that was besides the point. He was chosen next.

"Yeah I'm just wondering why exactly you two decided to do this project, you know, on the LGBTQIA community and stuff. Why's it important to you guys?" Nick asked coyly, twirling a pencil between his forefinger and thumb.

Awsten rolled his eyes, as he was already out, to Nick and the rest of the school, as his previous  off and on relationship with Zakk was very public. He was tempted to reply with something snarky like 'I'm gayer than a double rainbow, and everybody knows that,' but instead decided to be serious. He slipped his hand into Geoff's and smiled widely, showing off his teeth very obviously. "Because, we're queer. And our lives, who we love, matters just as much as everyone else. All of the history we learn in class, all of the love stories we're forced to read are all cis and straight with the occasional token gay character, and people should hear about our history, and how we've fought our own battles throughout it."

Awsten only had a second to breathe before he felt Geoff's hand on his jaw and their lips collide. The blue-haired boy's eyebrows raised, but he let himself melt into the kiss anyways, despite hearing a few flashes of cameras. Ms Hanna didn't seem to mind, and he adored kissing his boyfriend, so he just kept reciprocating and enjoying himself.

Kissing Geoff felt like heaven every single time. He felt the same butterflies in his chest, and although they'd gotten less severe since they'd been together, they were still there. When they kissed, fireworks went off and Awsten nearly believed that they were in their own.

Nearly, because Awsten distantly heard a girl whisper 'kawaii' and decided a joint suicide between himself and Geoff was a better option than being objectified. 

Awsten looked around for more hands, and when it seemed that the third kid had put their hand down, he lead Geoff back to their desks. Apparently Geoff heard the girl as well, because as they headed back, he muttered a barely-audible sentence. "Next project, I swear to god I'm doing on the sexualization of queer women and the fetishization of men loving men."

And all Awsten could think about was how much he fucking adored his boyfriend.

\--

"Dude, the photos of you guys macking on each other's faces are all over Snapchat. You guys are practically fucking 'cutest couple' in the yearbook already, it's insane. Like, seriously, it's all over my timeline." Jawn discussed at the usual lunch table the next day, which as of recent, Awsten had begun sitting at. 

"Wait, Is the Snapchat story viewing thing called a timeline? I thought that was just for like, Twitter and shit." Claire spoke absentmindedly to herself as she stuck her spork into the mostly eaten crust of her public school pizza.

The rest of the group ignored her for the most part, besides the knitting of eyebrows from Geoff. "Did people seriously not know we're a couple? " Awsten asked, picking up a fry off of Geoff's plate, earning a groan from him, and chewing on it. "It's been a little while since we got together and like, we're constantly displaying PDA. I think I sit on Geoff's lap more than I do any chair, to be honest."

Jack interrupted slyly. "Oh, trust me, we know about the PDA. It's kind of really annoying actually. You're constantly eye-fucking each other, like please get a room already. We've suffered enough, you guys can do that stuff on your own time."

Awsten choked on another one of Geoff's fries, earning a bunch of weird looks from the people at the table. A generally awkward vibe cascaded across the environment, before Geoff spoke up.

"A-Actually, we haven't um-"

Jack's eyes widened, pupils increasing to the size of quarters. "Uh, shit, sorry," He said before picking up his lunch tray and standing up. "I-I'm gonna go dump thi-"

"I think that would be wise." Geoff cut him off, light red tones becoming present on his cheeks. Everyone was dead silent, including Sabrina - for once. Geoff refused to look at his brother.

"Hah, yeah." Awsten giggled awkwardly as he laid his head on Geoff's shoulder, face equally as red if not more.


	16. I Never Saw It Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the copious amounts of support! it makes this story so much more enjoyable to write!

"Babe! Oh my god! You're here today! You weren't responding last night, I thought you like, died." Geoff spoke to his messy-haired boyfriend, greeting him in the hallway as he walked him to his first period class. 

Awsten smiled softly before rolling up one of his sweater-paws to interlock their fingers, continuing to strut down the hall. He blew his bangs out of his eyes before responding. "Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Sorry. Had to take care of Harper for the day, mom's still on the hunt for a job."

"It's okay, I just worry about you." Geoff replied, kissing Awsten's cheek, "Why didn't you at least call to see if I wanted to come over? I could've helped you out with her, and brought you Taco Bell or something."

"Geoff, I'm okay. It's just, grades are important to you, you know? I want you to do well, and not have me holding you back." Awsten smiled, squeezing Geoff's hand as they rounded the corner, passing by Awsten's old friend group, to which he was greeting with multiple dirty looks.

Geoff's eyebrows knitted together - a habit Awsten noticed he did a lot when he was upset. "What was that about?" Geoff asked, but continued to speed-walk down the hall until they reached outside of Awsten's homeroom.

"No idea." Awsten responded despite feeling a pit in his stomach, turning to face Geoff and detaching their hands.

Geoff frowned before re-taking both of Awsten's hands in his own, swinging them back and forth. "I don't wanna leave you, we've only been together for like five minutes today..."

Awsten let a toothy smile grace his features, mischief written across his expression. "You don't have to... In fact, I hear the aforementioned Taco Bell calling our names."

"Nuh-uh," The florescent blue eyed boy scolded, but still kept Awsten's hands tucked tightly in his, holding them up to his own chest. "Not gonna happen, doll face. You already missed yesterday, and the other day, and god knows how many days before that. At least attend class, please. It's literally our last day, 'cause I know neither of us are attending the last day of school assembly tomorrow."

"You're right, but I still really don't want to." Awsten frowned, being the one to drop Geoff's hands. "Please don't make me go, and yes, you force me to go, because I really hate disappointing you, like, more than I hate disappointing my own mom. It's bizarre. Please don't use that power against me."

Geoff sighed, crossing his arms. "Sorry, sunshine. I'm gonna use it. Go to class, please. For me."

The boy with multi-colored irises gave the brunette a glare. "I really hate you."

"Now, that's a lie. You really like me, last time I checked. A whole fucking lot." Geoff responded, twirling Awsten around and pulling him closer, so that the slightly shorter boy's back was against his chest. Geoff's arms wrapped around Awsten's front as well.

Awsten looked up at his boyfriend. "Yeah, okay, you're right. But I'd still rather stay here in your arms, asshole."

"That could've been really cute, but of course you had to ruin it." Geoff replied with a smile, maintaining eye contact with the blue haired boy.

"Oh shut up," Awsten chuckled, rolling his eyes. "It was still cute as hell. I mean look at me, I'm adorable."

Geoff laughed lightly, still cradling Awsten against his chest before kissing his temple. "Yeah, okay. The bell is about to ring, and I have to walk across the school, so you should get your adorable ass into that classroom right there."

Awsten groaned as Geoff let him go, beginning to walk away. "See you after class, baby boy."

"That's a new one," Awsten replied from across the hall as Geoff disappeared into the crowd. Reluctantly, Awsten turned his body and attended his first period class.

\--

"Okay, but virginity is totally just a social construct." Awsten said during fourth period, pulling Geoff out of his trance.

His body froze for a moment. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You know, the whole virginity thing. I think it's stupid, and virginity really doesn't exist you know? Like, why does it matter if you've had sex or not? I've had a dick up my ass but that doesn't determine my self worth." Awsten continued, acting way too nonchalant for Geoff's taste. He sat across from Geoff, his head set in one of his hands as he spoke.

"Of course it doesn't." Geoff replied, getting slightly more involved in the conversation. He was shaking slightly, nerves wrapping him in a cocoon but attempted to ignore them as he stared back at his boyfriend.

Awsten smiled, taking Geoff's hand into the one that wasn't supporting his head. "I'm glad you agree, because honestly, I haven't slept around a lot but it's important to me that you share the same opinions as me on this front, you know? Sex is like, complicated. After the whole thing with Jack yesterday I figured we should talk about it..." He paused for a moment, noticing how Geoff was getting slightly nervous and shaking, his previous neutral face turning into one of concern. "Are you okay? Am I making you uncomfortable? Shit I'm-"

"No, no. It's okay." Geoff cut him off. "I just, I have a bad past with-"

Geoff was suddenly interrupted by the screeching of a chair pulling out next to him.

"I can't believe you lied to me."

It was Zakk.

"Wha-" Awsten began, instantly being shushed by the dark haired boy in front of him.

"Someone was walking by your apartment complex and saw you come out of it, with him," He gestured towards Geoff. "You don't live in a fucking mansion, do you? And how much are all the clothes you've bought, huh? Are they from Good Will or something?"

Awsten's body shook, goosebumps cascading across his body. "I, I don't understand-"

"Your daddy isn't as rich as you've suggested he is, is he? You don't own diamond studded bags or fucking wipe with hundred dollar bills. You're just a liar, and a coward."

Awsten shudders at the sound of his dad being mentioned. Zakk didn't know anything about him - nothing. He was just a blip in Awsten's timeline, right? This wasn't gonna matter in a year, five years, fifty years. This would be nothing but a memory, right?

Right?

"Okay, that's enough. Go the hell away, and shut the fuck up." Geoff turned to Zakk violently, speaking loud enough for probably half the class to hear.

"This isn't your problem, pretty boy." Zack responds, clenching his fists and standing up. 

Geoff stands up almost immediately after him, leaning towards Zakk. "It actually is my problem, because that's my fucking boyfriend you're talking to."

"Uh huh, so maybe it is your problem. You've known, and kept the secret that Awsten Knight is a fucking pussy ass liar who's never done anything good in his whole miserabl-"

Before anyone could understand what was happening, a bright red hand print stained it's way onto Zakk's cheek, Zakk's own hand immediately covering it in shock and in an attempt to mend the pain. 

He looks at Geoff, but is shocked to find him dumbfounded as well. The whole room's eyes move to Awsten, who's now standing and shaking his right hand violently.

"He said, go the hell away and shut the fuck up."

\--

"Baby, are you okay?" Geoff whisper-asks his boyfriend as they sit in the nurse's office, ten feet away from Zakk who's glaring daggers towards the pair.

"Um, yeah, I think. The ice is helping, and like, they can't really give me detention or suspend me." Awsten responded, looking down at his hand.

"No, that's not what I meant," Geoff said as he raised his eyebrows at his boyfriend. "I mean, are you okay?"

Awsten sighed before lowering his own voice to a whisper. "Honestly? No. But I really don't want to discuss it. He's going to tell the whole school, he actually already did, and everyone is going to hate me next year. I wish we'd decided to skip this morning."

Geoff frowned, taking Awsten's hand that isn't still stinging from the feeling of Zakk's cheek. "It'll be fine, doll. Promise."

"Thanks, babe. I really needed that."


	17. All My Current Problems Are Based Around The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June 24th, 2017. 12ish weeks since meeting.
> 
> NON-GRAPHIC TRIGGER WARNING.

Black. Everything was black.

Until it wasn't.

Awsten blinked his eyes softly, adjusting to the light around him. It was the sun. He was outside. What the fuck was going on?

His throat ached. 

"I can't believe you talked me into doing this. Isn't this illegal?" The voice of someone Awsten didn't recognize spoke to his right. Awsten looked down slightly, still groggy. He was in a wheelchair - a weird realization. He figured that he might be able to move still, as he could wiggle his toes lightly, but he was so exhausted that he didn't want to. 

Awsten stayed still - not necessarily because he wanted them to think that he was asleep, although that'd be preferred - it was because he felt numb, everywhere. He let his eyes shut again. He wasn't sure whether this was supposed to be bliss or hell; It was almost some sort of in between, some sort of purgatory he wasn't sure how to ease out of.

"Probably," There was Geoff's voice, coming from right behind him. Awsten's heart skipped a beat when he heard his next statement. "But I love him. I'd do anything for him. I know his mom wouldn't trust him alone with Harper anymore, and he would get even more depressed. I love him more when he's happy."

"Wait, you love him? You've known one another for like, three months. Like, what's his favorite snack, color and tv show? Can you name them on the drop of a hat?" The guy asked, unsureness laced in his voice. Awsten hadn't yet formed an opinion on them yet; they obviously knew Geoff well, though, which meant they counted for something.

Geoff sighed. "Otto, loving him is different than being in love. I'm not in love yet, but there's the potential of being in love for sure. But if you must know, his favorite snack are twizzlers, he obviously loves blue, and his favorite show is The Office - his favorite characters are Kevin and Creed. And his favorite episode is called Gay Witch Hunt."

Awsten smiled to himself at the sound. He'd known all of that? He'd actually listened?

"I didn't ask what his favorite characters were, you just decided to be extra about it," Otto, that was his name, responded, and Awsten could nearly hear the eye roll. Geoff was being slightly extra, but that was okay. That was his Geoff. "Wait, fuck, I think he's awake."

"Take this," Geoff said, and before he could comprehend anything, the other boy's mumbling was now behind him, and there he was. Geoff. Geoff, who knew everything about him, down to his favorite episode of his favorite fucking TV show.

Geoff, with his bright blue eyes and messy brown hair that looked soft but wasn't anything close to it, Geoff with his stupid leather jacket and crooked smile. Geoff, who's hand found it's way to resting on Awsten's cheek. Geoff, that had a lot of explaining to do. 

"Do you remember anything, baby?" He asked, and there was that soft voice of his that made everything okay.

Awsten shook his head, and looked down at his stomach, covered in thin blue cloth that he didn't really process till a few seconds later. It ached like nothing he'd ever felt before, and he wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not. He didn't know what was going on around him, so he just let out a sigh. "I know my name. And everything else. But I don't- I can't remember exactly why I'm here but-"

Awsten looked back up swiftly, washed over with realization. The sympathetic voice, the wheelchair, the blue dress thing he had on. "I tried to kill myself, didn't I?"

Geoff turned away for a moment, fluttering his eyes shut before opening them again. "Yeah, you did. But it's okay."

"No, it's not." Awsten replied, shaking his head softly before nuzzling his face into Geoff's hand, wishing he had on one of his sweaters instead of this weird hospital gown. "It costs so much, Geoff. I- this was probably worth more than my college fund."

"Baby, we've handled that. It's okay. Do you want to know what happened this morning or would you rather not hear it?" Geoff replied with a soft voice, cradling Awsten's face in his hands further. At this point, they were at the very edge of the parking lot, hidden by a few cars including what he assumed was Otto's. Otto himself was seemingly on his phone.

Awsten nodded. He wanted to know, otherwise he'd always wonder what he did, unless it came back in fragments which he knew was even more emotionally detrimental to his mental health. 

"Alright, well, this morning, before school, you called me. And you-" Geoff paused, sighing out in (emotional) pain, "You said to me, Geoff, babe, I did something stupid. If I die, you're my favorite person in the whole world. And I asked what happened, and you told me that you- that you swallowed a lot of pills."

Awsten let his throat hitch, looking down, but said nothing else.

"And so, I went over to your apartment. Thank god you were there, but your mom and Harper were gone. You were passed out, and I didn't know what else to do, so, I called the ambulance. And I held your hand the whole way there, and they told me they needed to pump your stomach. So in the emergency room, I still sat beside you as they stuck a tube down your throat and through your stomach and told me to fuck off."

Awsten let a tear run down his cheek as he smiled softly - even if it was bad timing. Geoff mentally decided on taking his hand off the blue-haired boy's cheek and instead moving it to his shoulder. It was obvious to all parties involved he was also trying not to cry. "It's gonna cost so much. I don't know what I was thinking, god, I don't- why did I do that?"

"It's okay, Awsten. I told them a fake name, and Otto here helped me sneak you out. It's not gonna cost anything. But doll, you should want to live because your life is worth living, not because of material inconvenience." Geoff nodded, reassuring Awsten with a soft yet emotional smile.

Awsten just nodded absentmindedly. "Yeah, okay. Thank you both. I'm sorry."

Geoff shook his head, kissing Awsten's head before preparing to load him into the car. "Don't be. I just want you to be happy, and healthy. Because you're my favorite person too, and I don't think I'd function properly without you around."

Awsten sighed, nodding. He understood - he didn't know what he was thinking still, after attempting suicide. He didn't necessarily want to exist in a place without his boyfriend either. "You know, Geoff, I'll always be around."


	18. Hold Me At Your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June 27th, 2017.

"Are you positive you're ready for me to meet him? It's been barely three months since we've known each other, let alone been together." Geoff asked cautiously as Awsten pressed the up elevator button of the hospital elevator.

Something was always off about hospitals to Geoff. Maybe it was that everything was too sterile, and everything looked too perfect, or maybe it was because everything was bright and quiet. Maybe it was that the whole building was fifty degrees.

Maybe it was the fact that there were hundreds of sick people here, and that dozens of them died on the daily and there was always a slight chance of catching that disease and dying with the same fate. Maybe it was a reminder of that, that there was always a chance of fighting forever only to have something take over your body, and at that point there's just no chance of fighting anymore -- that perhaps this place was a glance into your or someone you know's not too far future.

Who knows, though? Not Geoff.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure." Awsten replied calmly, stepping back as the doors closed softly. His arms were crossed and he casually stood at peace, which Geoff was very obviously nervous. It wasn't hard to notice his foot jumping up and down at a constant rate.

Geoff smiled widely and un-genuinely, his arms crossed as suddenly the air felt three degrees colder. "But like are you sure, babe-"

"Geoff," Awsten finally stated, pausing for a second to turn to him and place his hands on his shoulders. "You're fine. It's just meeting my dad. He can't even respond, babe. He's in a coma."

"How are you so chill about this?" Geoff asked, breathing out heavily, releasing air he didn't even realize was stuck in his lungs. "I know it's been... awhile, but still."

Awsten smiled softly, dragging one of his hands down Geoff's arm and grasping his hand. "Because I need to be."

\--

"R. Knight." Awsten told the nurse, and she nodded her head. Geoff could tell Awsten already knew where the room was, but this was just a security measure.

"367." The lady smiled softly, pointing towards a hallway with a plaque on the wall that stated 360-372 with an arrow pointing down it.

Awsten nodded, and took Geoff's hand into his. Geoff was still a bit off, as the environment of hospitals caused him discomfort as it was, but stayed calm. He could tell that Awsten was a bit off too.

They walked silently down the hall, hands intertwined until they reached the room titled 367.

Awsten took a deep breathe, to which Geoff squeezed his hand, nodding along. Awsten lifted up his other hand to knock on the open door, making sure there were no nurses inside.

It didn't seem like there were any, and so Awsten peaked his head into the room before sighing yet again and grazing his eyes over the vessel that held his dad.

He pulled Geoff behind the curtain with him, and Geoff didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't exactly that.

He looked a lot like Awsten.

He could barely see his mouth, as there was a large tube in it that likely lead down his throat, but he knew their upper lips were the same shape, and same with their philtrums. His eyes were fluttered shut, but he still had obviously long eyelashes and a similar eye shape to his son. The only obvious differences in their appearances was his father's slightly more masculine features accentuated such as a sharper jawline and the bridge in the elder's nose a stronger shape.

Also, his father had fluffy, dark brown hair unlike Awsten who - obviously - had light, mint blue colored hair.

Geoff didn't realize he was spacing out until pointed out by Awsten. 

"Dad," Awsten spoke up, "This is Geoff. The boy I've been telling you about." He smiled softly, sadly, as he lead Geoff towards a chair sat by the hospital bed.

Geoff reluctantly sat down in it, but still held onto Awsten's hand. "You talk to him about me?"

Awsten blushed lightly. "'Course I do. You're my boyfriend and stuff. He's the one person I can talk to about you forever and won't tell me to shut up..."

Geoff raised his eyebrows at the sort-of joke, but smiled softly anyways. "C'mere," He muttered, pulling Awsten onto his lap. "You need somewhere to sit too."

Awsten attempted to get off of him, but was greeted with no such luck. "Not in front of my dad, Geoff." 

Geoff rolled his eyes, but kept his grip on Awsten. "Well, uh, hi, Mr Knight. Awsten already introduced me but yeah, I'm Geoff. I'm your son's boyfriend, and he's so totally into me."

"Geoff!" Awsten replied, giving up on moving. He casually sat in the brunette's lap, rolling his eyes.

"It's true." Geoff responded, laughing slightly.

Awsten adjusted his place in Geoff's lap before finally talking to his dad directly. "So, again, hi dad. Sorry I haven't talked to you in awhile, I just- uh, fuck, school's been hard. Common core was whipping my ass, I really could've used you around to like, threaten to take away my tetnis shots in trade for good grades? I don't know, just, something. But it's okay, 'cause you'll be there next year to help me study and stuff."

Geoff smiled awkwardly and nodded. Geoff was slightly apprehensive about his boyfriend's dad waking up anytime relatively soon, but said nothing otherwise. He just nodded. He was going to play a supportive role in Awsten's life - a role no one else was willing to perform as.

"So like, promise me, next year, you'll be here. And you'll help me with my work, and you'll, I don't know, ask me how my day is going and tell me how you're feeling and we can like, go to concerts together or something?" Awsten asked rhetorically, reaching his hand out to his dad's and interlocking their pinkies. "We'll figure it out. Just... Promise me."

Geoff had to play the supportive role in his boyfriend's life. He had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit! 6 chapters left! and there's 20+ kudos on this story! that's fuckin awesome!
> 
> also, not sure why i update whenever i finish chapters on archive. on wattpad i post every sunday.


	19. We're Still Figuring It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> July 4th, 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> i'd like to just say that yes, Geoff is a sexual assault victim but he generally doesn't mind talking about sex, as long as both parties are chill with it. All s/a victims are different and Geoff copes in different ways than some, which is okay. That is all. Have fun reading & thanks to everyone who comments!!

Awsten laid his head on Geoff's shoulder, frowning softly. It was a Thursday afternoon and they were hanging out on the play structure of the park where they had first hung out for their project.

It was hard to believe, if both parties were honest; a few months prior they were nearly at each other's throats, and now here they were, sprawled out across the kids' playground, hands interlocked and bodies lying close.

They were originally caught in pure hatred with each other, but now they were in complete adoration; obviously it was a gracious progress, and took a bit of time, but it was still hard to comprehend how close they'd become in a bit over three months.

Actually, in both of their opinions, it was pretty damn romantic. 

At this point, they'd mutually decided that they were a bit too committed to one another for a  high school relationship, but that was okay for them. It was normal for them. It was... Well, it was a reach, but perhaps it was love for them. Perhaps their commitment and determination over simply the course of knowing each other, of jumping right in had proven to pay off in early signs of falling in love.

It was a bit too soon to actually say they were in love, they both agreed (non-verbally) on that, but in a way, both parties agreed that it was well on their way there.

There were both positives and negatives to this, and all of them were absolutely fucking terrifying.

Geoff found himself making a list in his head, of both the positives and negatives of falling in love, in love with Awsten to be specific. There was a difference than just regular fucking love, or at least Geoff assumed there was because Awsten was Awsten and Geoff was just there.

Negatives; Being in love mean prioritizing that person's needs over your own, and of course Geoff already did that, but being in love meant that magnified by eight thousand. Love meant Geoff would do absolutely anything for Awsten, love was a bigger commitment than whatever they already had, and love made everything intense. He didn't know if either of them were prepared for that.

Maybe what was stopping Geoff from falling, and falling hard, was the fact that in his mind, he felt like maybe love meant that if Awsten were to want to have sex, it meant Geoff would feel obligated to. It meant that in some form, Geoff had to, even if Awsten didn't actually mind whether or not they had sexual relations, Geoff would feel like it was a priority, because Awsten was always his priority - going to be his priority.

Geoff wasn't quite prepared for like, everything yet. Maybe some minor... things, but not like, actual sex. No way. Not yet.

But there were positives.

Love was an excuse to gush about Awsten, all the time, every day. Love was a word to let each other know how important they were, how much they relied on the other person. Love meant this was real, love meant that none of this could ever possibly be a dream. 

"You know how you met my dad?" Awsten asked out of the blue.

Love meant that they wanted a future with one another, it meant that they were committed through and through, thick and thin.

"Yeah." Geoff responded, squeezing his boyfriend's hand softly. He could tell Awsten was sad - about what, he wasn't sure. "What about him?"

Love meant knowing when the other was stressed or sad, and it meant you would do anything to make them feel better.

"I-" Awsten's voice let out a choked sob, and Geoff instinctively let go of his hand and wrapped his arm around him tightly, pulling him in closer.

"What is it, baby? What's going on? Can I help?" Geoff asked almost immediately, kissing the top of the boy's pale blue hair and frowning into it.

Love meant support. Being in love meant you were a constant support system for the person you were with, and no matter what, their happiness and self esteem was a priority.

"He's probably gonna die. Mom told me- awhile ago, on Gracie's birthday, that once he's been in this state for a year, we've gotta pull the plug." Awsten sighed out. He was still crying, for obvious reasons, but was feeling slightly better just for getting it out.

Love meant prioritizing their happiness.

"I'm sorry, baby. I don't think there's much I can do, but just so you know, I'll always be here for you," Geoff sighed as he pulled Awsten into a tight hug, his boyfriend's face digging into his collarbones as he cried softly.

"That's all I can really ask for." Awsten replied in a slightly happier tone, but was still hanging onto the brunette for dear life.

"Would it help if I invited the gang over? Y'know, Jack, Sabrina, Claire, Jawn?"

"I really don't want them to see me like this." Awsten pouted, but let his grip on Geoff soften.

"Cmon, you look fine. They saw me with two black eyes and only made one drag queen joke," Geoff smiled, poking his boyfriend's stomach teasingly. "Besides, they're way better at this stuff than me."

"I happen to think you're pretty good at this stuff," Awsten replied. "But yeah, okay. Maybe it'll help to hang out with more people."

-

"Hi!" Jawn greeted from about fifteen feet away, walking beside Claire and Sabrina, hands interlocked. "We're here, except Jack, he skipped out for some reason, but I brought bud! Happy 'fuckin fourth of july!" 

"Maybe I'll have to dump you for Jawn," Awsten teased Geoff, but only loud enough to where they could hear it.

Geoff rolled his eyes. "You would never. Plus, I bet I've got a couple inches more on me." He continued with suggestive eyebrows.

"Oh shut up, size doesn't matter, decent pot does." Awsten scoffed.

"Whatever strain he has, I bet I can get you better." Geoff responded, crossing his arms. Derek used to deal pot, he kind of knew about this stuff.

"Dude, you don't even smoke, how the hell would you know what to buy?"

"My brother used to be your dealer, Awsten. I asked him, and he was like 'oh yeah, Knight? I used to deal to him. He's cool, I guess."

"Okay, fuck, forgot about that. But whatever, you're white as fuck, you've got nothing on him."

"Nothing on who?" Jawn asked as soon as he reached the play structure where they were sat, and eyebrow quirked upwards.

"Nothing, nothing." Geoff responded almost immediately.

"Okay, okay, before I start thinking weird shit again, just pack a bowl and let me see what my boyfriend is like when he's high," Awsten cut in before Geoff could say anything more. 

\--

"Wait, wait, so I need to know- what were you guys talking about? Like, when we got here? 'Cause I wanna know who Geoff has nothing on," Claire smiled widely, leaning into Sabrina with an arm around her.

Geoff just laughed, high off his ass, "Oh, Jawn." He said casually.

Jawn's eyebrows raised as he took another hit, nearly coughing into the pipe.

"I made a joke, about dumping Geoff for you, 'cause you have bud and smoke and he obviously doesn't, and he made a joke about having a bigger dick and I was like," Awsten placed a hand on Jawn's shoulder, "He's not white, man. I wouldn't bet on it."

Jawn took a second to process it, blinking as he put down the pipe. Suddenly, he broke out into laughter and clutched his stomach. "Ah, man! That's fucking hilarious. I wouldn't bet on it either, man."

Geoff's eyebrows raised. "Five bucks-" He placed a hand on Jawn's shoulder, "I bet my dick is bigger."

Awsten bursted in laughter, Claire and Sabrina following soon after, but both Jawn and Geoff were dead serious, giving each other a glare.

"Deal," Jawn said, sticking his hand out with no hesitation whatsoever. 

"You sure? Gotta get consent, even if if I don't plan on going anywhere too close to it." Geoff laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. S'all good with me."

"Alright, cool. Me too." Geoff couldn't help but think that he would never do this if I was sober, but shook Jawn's hand anyways. He looked at everyone except for Jawn and gestured a spinning motion. "Uh, guys, look away."

Sabrina and Claire shared a glance before both turning their entire bodies around, facing away from everyone. Awsten had an extremely shocked look on his face, but clasped his hands over his eyes tightly.

In dead silence, all he heard was the unzipping of pants and unbuckling belts, then a tense silence, the quick re-zipping.

"Mine's bigger." They both said in unison as everyone turned around or opened their eyes. 

Jawn gave Geoff a death glare for a good ten seconds before Geoff sighed heavily and reached into his back pocket, fishing for five bucks out of his wallet.

"Oh my god!" Awsten exclaimed, breaking out into a fit of laughter, the girls following in suit. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to breathe properly again.

In a daze of laughter and hilarity and being high in general, Awsten kissed Geoff on the cheek and put his arm around him. "Don't worry, I love you anyways."

Geoff responded in a fit of giggles and asking Jawn if there was enough left in the bowl for him to take another hit.


	20. Stop Calling Me Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why don't you guys ever comment?
> 
> Mild smut warning.

"We're going ice skating?" Awsten asked, noticing the sign on the brick building that Geoff parked right in front of. The building's front was painted a nearly white-colored blue, and although there was some minor landscaping done, it still looked pretty deserted. 

"Yeah," Geoff smiled, taking his keys out of the ignition. "I know you really like doing it. That's why I told you to dress warm."

"First of all, this shit is so expensive, Geoff. It's like twenty bucks a person, and two, I thought you meant we'd be like, hanging out indoors in like the mall or something."

Geoff just laughed. "No way. That's lame. This is our first actual date, like out in public as a couple, and you fucking love ice skating. But you haven't been in almost a year."

"You remembered." Awsten smirked, actually fairly impressed.

"Yes, I did. Now let me spoil your ass." Geoff said, preparing to get out of his truck, pressing his hand against the door handle before moving off of the seat.

"Fine." Awsten sighed under his breath as he trailed after Geoff, preparing to fall on his ass. He really hadn't done this in awhile, and he used to be pretty good - as in, he could do a solid figure eight or something of that sort. He wasn't necessarily an expert by any means, but he was a bit better than average if he remembered correctly.

He wondered if Geoff was very good at this. Or maybe he really hated skating and was just doing it for Awsten? Who knows.

"I've never actually done this before, so..." Geoff said as they walked into the freezing cold rink. That answered that question. Now it was time to see whether he was halfway decent at it or not.

—

Geoff gripped onto Awsten's shoulder as they skated, attempting not to fall and failing miserably. Geoff was thankful that he wasn't too heavy, as Awsten as well as the side of the rink was all that was supporting him.

"Geoff, let go of me. You're okay, just hold onto the edge and practice your balance." Awsten convinced, as Geoff's weight was nearly pulling him down as well. "Don't be afraid to fall. In order to get up, you have to fall in the first place."

"That was very inspirational baby, but I think I need more support than just the ledge." Geoff said, keeping his iron grip on Awsten, if not intensifying it. He wasn't sure why he was so terrified of balancing on ice with only thin metal lines supporting him, but I digress.

Awsten scoffed. "That metal and whatever the fuck ledge is more reliable than my shoulder, babe. If you don't let go soon, instead of just you having a light tumble, we'll both be falling right on our asses. It's not good for either of us." 

"Fine," Geoff sighed, holding onto the steel wall on his right harder. "If I break something though, it's your fault."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay."

—

It was seven-ish by the time they'd gotten out of the rink, which wasn't actually that long. It was roughly five o'clock when they had gotten their skates, so only a couple hours.

However, in those couple hours Geoff could manage to skate by himself. At a slow, and wobbly, pace but a pace nonetheless. Awsten kept teasing him as he made laps around him, but nonetheless, Geoff was proud of himself for at least letting go of the ledge, and at the moment he was having the high of his life, even if he was sober.

He was with the boy he possibly loved, and the sun was setting, and he'd experienced something almost entirely new. Overall, the night was fantastic, and neither of them wanted it to end.

"Do you wanna drive to the lake?" Geoff asked as they held hands, walking out of the rink. It was only about a seven minute drive, so he thought he'd be able to stand it. Especially if his boyfriend was in the car with him and sang along to old Britney Spears with him.

Awsten shrugged. "I don't like the dirt, or the mud. I really don't want this night to end either though, so sure. But can we just stay in the car? And watch the sunset? Pretty please?"

Geoff smiled as they approached the truck. "Of course, dummy. The only reason we're going is so we can see the colors and so we can be alone."

Awsten blushed. "Oh?"

Geoff's eyes widened when he realized how suggestive he sounded towards the end of his statement. "I- No- I didn't mean- Well, if you want I-"

"Geoff. It's okay. We'll do whatever you're comfortable with, I just wasn't sure what exactly you meant. But whatever we do, it couldn't possibly ruin today for me. Even if you turned out to be a creepy axe murderer."

\--

Awsten leaned in to kiss Geoff's cheek as they sat in the back of Geoff's truck, Geoff criss-cross against the covered area and Awsten sat regularly by his side. The back was covered in blankets and pillows as they watched the sunset. Awsten originally teased Geoff for planning it prior to their date, but Geoff just shrugged in response with a light blush washing over his cheeks. It really didn't take much effort -- he hadn't even necessarily set it up. He just threw a bunch of random blankets from the hall closet into the truck's back seat and hoped Awsten wouldn't notice until he brought them out.

Instead of reaching his cheek, though, Awsten ended up kissing the bottom of Geoff's jaw as he moved his neck to the side to stretch. Awsten was kind of embarrassed at first, especially after Geoff looked over and raised an eyebrow, but just decided to roll with it. Rather than stopping to kiss his cheek like originally planned, Awsten opted for his neck which shocked Geoff even more.

At the moment, Awsten sucked lightly on various spots on Geoff's neck, making sure not to leave too obvious of marks in the case that he didn't want every person he passed by to see dark purple spots scattered on his neck. The blue-haired boy's sudden confidence and near dominance was slightly shocking to both parties, but they continued otherwise.

Awsten's hands trailed to underneath the hem of Geoff's shirt, guiding it upwards slightly before removing his lips from his neck. He looked up with his eyebrows raised, as to ask 'Is this okay?' to which Geoff nodded with a slight grunt. "Yeah, go ahead."

A smirk found itself plastered across Awsten's lips as he lifted Geoff's striped tank top off of his body and over his head. Geoff suddenly took slight control, grabbing Awsten by the collar of his sweater and yanking him towards himself. And as their lips locked, Awsten could practically feel himself melting into it.

Geoff's hand slid downwards, played with the bottom hem of Awsten's sweater before hiking it up slightly, hinting that the piece of clothing should be taken off. Awsten nodded, partially to himself, as he complied by lifting it off and over his head, tossing it to the side without thinking. Geoff and Awsten were now face to face, Awsten still sat against the half-wall created by the truck's design.

Soon the hands that were originally placed on Awsten's hips were in his hair and on his jaw, Geoff pulling Awsten in once again for a rough yet still somehow loving kiss. It was a fantastic kiss, but they were both distracted with what they were to do next: Awsten's first mission was to undo his belt and possibly his pants' button.

Geoff ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back before doing the same to Awsten's, feeling the light amount of sweat laced through it before smiling lightly, kissing Awsten's now bare forehead. Geoff went from his crouched position to a kneel, standing on both his knees while clutching his belt buckle. He gestured towards it, "Can I?"

Awsten looked up, admiring the position that they were currently in, where Geoff was over him and the only thing that was lighting the scene was the moon and a pale yellow light from the inside of the truck. He gulped loudly, making Geoff react with a small smile, before nodding violently. Awsten himself struggled for a second before moving from his criss-cross position to one where he could comfortably take off both his belt and skinny jeans as Geoff received the signal it was okay to continue whatever they had going on at the moment.

Soon, Awsten was still sat down, now only in his boxers as Geoff was still kneeling slightly above him, also boxer-clad. Geoff leaned down, connecting their lips again before letting his hand wander on Awsten's thigh, slowly hiking farther and farther up his leg as the other held his jaw.

"Okay," Geoff said after pulling away once again, too soon for Awsten's taste, "I need to know, like, for sure. Do I have consent to give you a handjob?"

Awsten quickly nodded, leaning in to reconnect their lips as he was getting ridiculously patient and ridiculously hard, but was stopped by Geoff. "No, I want to here you say it. For sure, just so I know you want this."

"Yes. you have my consent. Like, hardcore consent." The blue-haired boy responded, appreciating the gesture, before leaning into Geoff once again. Prior to this, he believed he could be patient, but at this moment of time he was the exact opposite. He was just filled to the brim with absolute desperation.

"Good."

With that, Geoff's hand moved underneath the elastic stitched into his boxers, grasping his dick and slowly moving his hand up and down.

Awsten let out small sighs and moans of relief that Geoff could just barely hear before attaching their lips again. The kiss was filled with the most desperation Geoff had ever felt, and he enjoyed every second of it as his hand continued to move. The opposite hand, that wasn't jacking Awsten off, moved to his jaw where he pulled him in closer.

Awsten decided on moving his own hand towards Geoff's crotch, mostly as a test to see his reaction, whereas Geoff made a soft noise similar to the ones Awsten let slip every so often. Awsten smirked into the kiss before taking a breather, using the other hand to hold his chest. 

His eyes trailed downwards, where Geoff was still moving his hand up and down at a somewhat slow pace. He bit his lip at the sight, then continued to reach his hand towards Geoff's dick that was obviously hardening in his pants too. He gulped. "Can I?"

Geoff nodded, before leaning in for a kiss. "Hold on, though."

Geoff pulled back his hand as well, the intense air resting for a moment. "You should know, just... being with me, I guess... I've been sexual assaulted before. If I act uncomfortable, don't push it. Please. I like you, a lot, and I should've told you before but-"

"Geoff, honey, it's okay." Awsten said, placing his hand on Geoff's shoulder, being sure to maintain eye contact with him. "If you want to stop, say so."

"No, no." Geoff said, shaking his head. "This isn't me telling you I want to stop right now. It's telling you something I should've told you a little bit earlier, and telling you I might want to stop and you have to be okay with that."

"Of course it's okay with me." Awsten replied. "Do you wanna pick up where we left off?"

"Definitely."

With that, both boys' hands were back where they started and they earned the right to say they came underneath the stars.


	21. stay away from me, now that you know what kind of man i can be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 more chapters! wow!

Geoff kissed Awsten as they lied on his bed. Derek was out with Sasha, and Geoff would be lying if he said he wasn't happy with that.

The make out session they were currently involved in was escalating towards something more, as Geoff was currently hovered over Awsten's body. In a state of sadness, Awsten had asked Geoff if they could make out and although Geoff wasn't exactly fond of Awsten ignoring his problems or emotions, whatever way he could help Awsten deal with his father's death date nearing, he took advantage of.

Not actually take advantage of, per say, but simply confided. Geoff agreed with most things that Awsten wanted or needed to get through it, because it was a stressful time for his boyfriend and he didn't want to add any more responsibilities nor anxieties to an area of his life that was already clouded by negativity. Geoff didn't want to be anything but the sun in Awsten's life, hopefully supporting him through anything that happens.

Awsten suddenly pulled away, shocking Geoff slightly. Geoff was about to open his mouth to ask Awsten if he was okay, as his eyes were slightly glossy, but the boy with two-toned eyes interrupted him before he took the chance to speak. "Are you ready?"

The brunette furrowed his eyebrows, still hovering over his boyfriend but with a bit more distance between them now. "Huh?" He asked.

Awsten sighed. "I'm ready. To have sex. Right now. Your brother is gone, and you're a teenage boy, you have stuff in your drawers, correct?" Geoff nodded in response, definitely seeing where this was leading to. "Well, then we have everything we need. Except your consent."

Geoff pulled himself off of Awsten, crawling next to him and crossing his legs. He covered his face with his hands, breathing in heavily as he thought. Was he ready? Yes. Maybe. Yes, sure. He should be ready by now, it's been years. Was Awsten really, though? Geoff wondered if his boyfriend really was, or if this was just a state of pre-grief that he wanted to get rid of through sex. Perhaps a part of Geoff was wondering if he was really ready for this too.

He brushed it off.

"I- I'm ready, I think. But... Are you?" Geoff's eyes trailed over to his boyfriend, who was still lying in a similar position to when he moved, only with his hands atop his stomach.

"Geoff," Awsten sighed, looking towards the boy on his left, "Of course I am. I'm not a virgin. I know how this works, and stuff. I already told you I'm ready."

"I mean emotionally. Are you in the right state of mind for this? Right now?"

Awsten rolled his eyes and turned over, so he was halfway on his hands and knees. He didn't stay in that position for long until he was just on his knees. He inched his way over to Geoff before he was hovering over his lap. "This talk is kind of a boner killer, if we're being honest here."

Geoff's eyebrows raised, but he placed his hands on the paler boy's hips anyways. "Consent is always sexy, thank you very much."

"Good thing I already gave you my consent," Awsten said before placing small kisses on Geoff's lips repetitively. He continued to do it between words as he spoke more, "And good thing you gave me yours."

Geoff let a small smirk find it's way onto his lips, before he half-picked up Awsten up off his lap and moved him to the side of his bed.

"What are you doing?" Awsten pouted as Geoff got up off of the bed, beginning to rummage through the set of drawers on the side of the bed.

"You're serious about this, correct?" Geoff asked without looking up, eyes still focused on his side table's contents.

Awsten nodded in anticipation, biting his lip as Geoff found a familiar, shiny square packet amongst the random wonders he kept beside his bed. Realizing Geoff couldn't see him, he nodded as he slipped his sweater off. "Yeah, of course I am."

"Then," Geoff smirked as he held the wrapped condom in one hand, "We're going to need this, huh?"

\--

After a good fifteen minutes, both boys are finished, an embarrassing record. It was a good first time, in the brunette's opinion. It was a short period of time, but at least they both finished so Geoff reckoned it wasn't too bad of timing.

Despite that, he felt awkward, with his boyfriend sitting on his lap as his own back was laid against the wall - he never liked headboards. They were chest to chest for the most part, but Awsten's head was leaning on his collar bones and in the crook of his neck as well. It was silent, except for their mutual breathing.

Geoff felt even more awkward when Awsten started sobbing uncontrollably.

Geoff, unsure what to do or say, moved his hands to around Awsten's waist before blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "Oh, fuck. Was I really that bad?"

Awsten let out a choked laugh, but was still obviously overwhelmed by sadness. This obviously wasn't a happy cry. "N-no, It's not... It's not t-that."

Was Geoff's chest extremely damp, and was his body probably covered in three different body fluids by now? Yes. Was he going to say anything about that? Absolutely not.

"Then uh- what is it, babe?" Geoff asked timidly, afraid of Awsten's response.

Awsten messily pulled back from Geoff's bare chest, using his own arm to wipe his tears off his face, as well as some of the substance on his boyfriend. "My dad is about to- he's going to die, and instead of helping my mom through it, I'm over here having sex with my boyfriend. That's what it is."

"Awsten, it's okay," Geoff frowned, lifting Awsten's chin to face him so they could lock eyes. "You have some time. It's going to be alright. You're allowed to enjoy yourself."

Awsten sighed, leaving a soft kiss on Geoff's lips before nodding and leaning his head in the crook of the blue-eyed boy's neck. "I hope you're right."


	22. You Made Me Love The Rain

"Mom, no, you can't do this," Awsten chased after his mom, who was currently walking around the apartment, mostly in the kitchen, picking up various things with Harper in her arms.

"For the thousandth time, Awsten, the papers have been signed. It's scheduled for next week already." She sighed, pausing movement for a moment, besides holding her daughter. "It's hard on me too, you know. I was his wife."

Awsten stepped back harshly, analyzing his mom's words. "You said was. Like he's not even here anymore. Like he's been... dead... for ten years or something."

"Awsten, that's not what I-" His mom attempted to reply, but was interrupted quickly. The lights seemed to flicker slightly as the conversation continued, the environment getting tense.

"You want him to die, don't you? For what reason I don't know but-" Awsten shouted without thinking, hands sitting awkwardly at his sides as every other part of his body was moving in an exaggerated form.

"Awsten-" His mom tried once more, but was disappointed by how easily her son's voice overlapped hers.

"You just want to see me in pain, huh?"

"Awsten Constantine Knight!" She finally snapped. With her feet both flat on the ground and Harper in her arms, you'd think that she'd look kind. Awsten, on the other hand, found it just as terrifying, if not more, for reasons unknown to him. "I don't like seeing you in pain, and it's ridiculous you'd think that I do. I love you, and our family is important to me. That's why no matter how much I don't want to, I have to do it."

Awsten clenched his fists and took a deep breath. "I'm going to my friend's for the night."

Recently, thanks to Geoff obviously, Sabrina and Awsten had become somewhat close. Knowing Geoff was probably fast asleep and that Sabrina rarely slept and if it was it was during the day, he mentally prepared himself for a three mile walk to her house. 

It was probably going to be a long night.

\--

"Derek, I don't want to do this," Geoff sighed as Derek pulled into the parking lot of the prison their mom was assigned to. Geoff was on the edge of his seat, twiddling with his thumbs as his brother insisted on visiting. 

"Well, I do." Derek replied, stopping the car before opening his door quickly and stepping out, clearly in a rush. Geoff was slowly regretting telling Derek anything about their mom.

Soon as they'd passed through security, and into the waiting room separated by glass. He was glad that his mother was in need of higher security; He didn't want to see her in the first place, god only knows what he'd do if she happened to touch him.

Geoff shivered at the thought as he sat next to Derek. It was an uncomfortable amount of time, even if it was technically brief. 

Once the obnoxious bell rang and she walked in, Geoff froze up, immediately noticeable. Derek looked over at him, and seemed to sense it, giving him an apologetic look before toughening up again. He then glanced back at their mother.

She sat down calmly, her wavy brown hair tied up into a messy ponytail. She raked her acrylic nails around the phone before lifting it up to her ear with a crooked,  sketchy smile. "What a surprise! Both my babies are here!" 

Geoff frowned, looking away in annoyance and disgust as he felt his brother tense up beside him. "Is what Geoff said true?"

Lana visibly grimaced through the glass and clutched the phone tighter. The only thing Geoff would ever say is similar between the two personality-wise would be their shock at Derek's bluntness. She coughed into her hand before looking away. "Well, what did Geoff say?"

Derek kept a cold, hard stare although Geoff could tell it was partially wearing him down. Lana had a blank, nearly unreadable look on her face as Derek spoke again. "I think you're well aware of what you did."

Lana's eyes were suddenly locked with Geoff's, making him feel the need to scream. He didn't however, just keeping a straight face and staring her straight in the eyes.

Geoff, without thinking, snatched the phone from Derek before he could protest. He held it up to his ear quickly, still maintaining eye contact with his mom. "Fuck you. You're fucking disgusting, and I'm ashamed to be related to you. You deserve to rot in hell for fucking ever. I hope you die here, in prison, alone in solitary because that's what you deserve."

Her facial expression changed, but to what, Geoff wasn't sure. Her face was completely neutral with the exception of one corner of her mouth perking up slightly.

"I think that you liked it. And your way of coping without it is making me feel guilty for doing it. But I don't. I was just doing my motherly duties, Geoff."

Geoff suddenly realized he was sobbing. The room was completely empty except for the family, and so he didn't attempt to stop it. "I was eight fucking years old when it began. I was eight. I was supposed to be comprehending how fast I could make my toy firetruck go, not why my mom slapped me every time I felt uncomfortable with her touching me."

Lana shrugged, visibly uncomfortable but stayed silent. Derek was the one to finish the conversation, grabbing the phone.

"You're not my mother. Fuck you." Was all he said before hanging it up violently.

Once they were checked out and outside in the parking lot, Geoff stood aimlessly. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, grabbing one quickly before sticking it between his lips and lighting it.

Derek said nothing.

It was like that for a few minutes, before his brother did say something. 

"Geoff?" Derek asked, sounding anxious, glancing over at him

"Hm?" Geoff asked in a whispered tone, turning to face him.

"I'm sorry." He spoke sadly, getting closer to his sibling. "I- I wanted us to be happy. But I believe you now, okay? I believe you."

It was then that Geoff dropped the cigarette, stomped it out, hugged his brother as tight as he possibly could, and sobbed harder than he ever had.


	23. I Wanna Act Like I Can Feel Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting the last chapter today bc no one is reading anymore from what i can tell lol

"Bye, dad. I love you, so much." Awsten muttered under his breath.The room was silent. It was silent since the doctor left the room ten minutes ago and unplugged his father.

No, literally. All the wires that were once connected to his dad, the ones that kept him alive and costed them thousands of dollars a year, weren't inside of him anymore. He was just John Knight, Awsten's dad who was supposed to be alive and well, but thanks to semi-truck and a wasted year of him sitting miserably in a coma, he was dead.

Awsten attempted to find a way to genuinely blame himself for it, but he knew there was no possible way for him to cause his father's death. This was just what cards the game of life had picked for him. Turns out, life is a fucking terrible gambler.

His mom started crying, and although he really wanted to reach over and comfort her, he couldn't or he'd break down himself. He took a bit of time to process these things, really.

Everything was kind of numb to him at this point in time. He knew that in a week he'd be dramatically sobbing into his pillow, or Geoff's chest, whatever was available at that moment in time, but right now it was hard to feel much of anything.

Anything except for emptiness and underlying sadness, anyways.

He couldn't grasp onto anyone or anything, either. It was just him and his mom. He couldn't put Geoff through that trauma, especially after what he'd gone through not a week ago.

So Geoff sat outside. While Awsten stared blankly at his dying father that he couldn't do anything about, and stood beside his sobbing mother who he didn't feel right comforting. 

Geoff was simply worried. He understood his boyfriend's want to preserve him from this dark part of his life, but he couldn't help but want to be inside and comfort him. He knew Awsten was either extremely obnoxious about his feelings or entirely closed off about them, and that coping with this would be difficult. For the sake of the doctors, though, he hoped Awsten was repressing it for now.

It felt like forever that he was waiting patiently outside of the office, asking nurse after nurse for the time and if anything was wrong. The nurses all had the same reaction; They answered with the time, how he and the patient were related, and that it would be awhile longer. Geoff had stopped asking once the mark had hit an hour and a half, only because he knew the staff would get annoyed.

He couldn't understand why it was taking so long, except in the case he woke up, which was near impossible. Maybe it was just the massive amounts of paperwork, and sorrow the doctors were required to discuss. He could only imagine how much it broke Awsten to be there, in the same room as his own mother and the doctors talking about how to preserve the guy who took part in creating and raising him.

So Geoff waited. In perspective, it wasn't that long, as he wasn't in surgery, but it felt like it. He hadn't lost a parent to death, and so he wasn't sure exactly how to help his boyfriend cope other than being here. He wanted nothing more than to go get a snack, maybe some water, or go to the bathroom but he needed to stay, on the off chance that Awsten did come outside and he was a sobbing mess and needed comfort.

When another fifteen minutes passed and Awsten did come out, though, it wasn't the situation he was expecting.

He was completely blank-faced, with crossed arms and eye bags. His mom was trailing behind him, sobbing violently into her sleeve while Awsten looked nearly half-dead. He was even paler than usual, and he didn't say a single word as he slowly strutted over to the waiting room.

Geoff stood up, walking towards him with open arms. Upon closer look, Awsten's nose was a red shade and his eyes were glossy, like he was feeling a million emotions at once and was trying to repress them all. When Geoff reached the place Awsten had abruptly stopped, his arms wrapped around him instinctively and tightly. He stood there for a few seconds, but Awsten didn't hug back.

Geoff kept his grip.

Awsten suddenly muffled something into his shoulder, but Geoff couldn't hear it. He pulled back, but left his hands on each side of his shoulders, Awsten's hands were sat by his sides. "What was that, baby?"

Awsten swallowed loudly, but responded with little to no emotion. "Can we go to your house?"

"I- don't you wanna be with your family? Your mom?" Geoff's eyebrows knitted together, slightly confused. He gestured towards his mom in the corner, loudly sobbing. It would've been considerably obnoxious if not for the fact that her husband and the father of her kids had just passed away.

"No," Awsten replied breathily. "I don't. Please. Take me to your house. Take me to the park. Or the lake. I want to forget. I don't want to think." 

Geoff leaned closer towards his boyfriend. "Are you sure? I can drive you-"

"Just take me the fuck away from here!" Awsten burst out, fists clenching by his sides as he yelled, causing looks of panic from those around him. He vaguely heard a doctor ask if they were alright, to which Geoff paid no attention, just keeping his stare on Awsten locked despite flinching slightly. 

It was then that Geoff pulled Awsten into a hug as tightly as he could, and he felt the Awsten he had known for the past few months completely break in his arms. All Geoff could hear was the sound of Awsten's loud screams and sobs and all he could feel was the non-stop seeping of tears into his right shoulder. Geoff didn't know exactly what to do, so he just held him as close as he could until he was ready to go to Geoff's house, where they inevitably had sex yet again and where Awsten continued to let tears pour from his eyes right afterwards.


	24. Still, I'm Fighting For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last, and my favorite chapter. 
> 
> first chapter of a miniseries AND a new oneshot are posted to make up for the sorta hiatus i'll have here soon.
> 
> TW death

As Awsten stared at his father's coffin, he couldn't help but feel near completely numb, just as he had on the day of his death.

Geoff's hand was in his at the moment, which relaxed him slightly, but still, for obvious reasons, didn't make him feel... good, necessarily. That was a lie, he still felt that tinge in his chest, but attempted to ignore it because that was so inappropriate right now.

For god's sake, he was watching his dad's corpse lower into the ground.

He preferred not to refer to it as his dad, for a multitude of reasons. The brain that was once inside of that corpse, that was his dad.

That brain was what held everything that made his dad the wonderful man he was: That single organ was the reason his eyes glittered in the sunlight, the reason why his skin glowed, and why his voice was so soft spoken. That brain was the attitude that made him and his siblings banana milkshakes every morning before school when they were younger, and that brain was the reason his father accepted everyone, no matter race, gender, sexuality or faith.

The brain was who he was, and it would probably be a bit too weird if Awsten asked to see that of all things after he passed. The difficult thing though, was he couldn't even look at his dad's face or head, the thing that at least held him.

His corneas were donated, and for some reason, the doctors hadn't figured out a way to take them out without causing some sort of scarring. He didn't understand it, but he didn't question it either.

So Awsten, while thinking six thousand words a minute, still subconsciously thought of nothing as he decided that the body inside of that casket was not his father, the one he once knew and loved, but rather the vessel that contained him.

And Awsten had to admit it - It was really fucking depressing.

His dad always wanted a fun funeral. He wanted a party, he wanted dancing, he wanted a celebration of his life, not the mourning of his death. He remembers his mom nodding along, saying "absolutely."

Then he got in a car crash, and slipped into a coma, and died and everything just changed. A certain light in her had gone out. His dad's death left an unfixable dent in her, and yeah, it left one in him too, but this - this was a whole new level. She looked like the empty shell of who his mom once was, and suddenly he'd regretted everything he'd ever said to her after she decided on pulling the plug.

Awsten knew it would pass. Sure, he got high to cope with it despite supposedly being straight edge, but he knew this was just another rough patch. It'd last longer, and leave a scar, but he still left his room, even if it was just to greet Geoff at the door only to cry into his shoulder later.

Awsten's mom didn't leave at all.

They were living off welfare and 'sorry your loved one died' casseroles and everything was a fucking mess. Awsten understood, it'd only been a few weeks since his father's death, but the funeral was the first time she'd gotten out of bed to greet someone that wasn't her infant daughter.

She seemed so ready to pull the plug. But then, once it was, it also unplugged a light in her. She no longer had much of a discernible personality.

Despite this, though, Awsten still held onto what little happiness he had left and held on tight. Geoff helped. Geoff was there. Geoff made it better. Even if they were just a couple of teenagers that shared heavy trauma in highschool, they were together, through and through. 

Geoff was always there. Awsten's love for Geoff got him through all of it - even if he hadn't said so yet.

So, Awsten held on tight to him, even as the pastor spoke, even as he watched his mom go to the bathroom with a flask in her hand, even as his grandmother broke down in a fit of sobs.

Even as Gracie, his sister who'd returned to town after years just for this, let tears roll down her cheeks.

As they walked out of the church, Awsten still holding onto Geoff's hand tightly, he smiled softly before sitting down on the concrete steps, motioning for Geoff to do the same.

"It's been nearly five months of us together, but I've got to say, it feels like an eternity." Awsten spoke finally after spending a few moments leaning against his boyfriend's shoulder.

Geoff nods. He knows Awsten is in a state of numbness right now, and he just wishes he could help. "It has."

"I... I feel so bad." Awsten spoke, voice cracking a bit.

Geoff turns slightly to him, but not moving his head too much in fear that Awsten will get uncomfortable. "Why would you feel bad for something you can't control?"

"That- that isn't why." Awsten replied, feeling a tear run down his cheek. He isn't sure where his head is at anymore. Everything is moving so quickly yet so slowly at the same time.

"Then why are you crying?" Geoff asked, wiping away the tear with his hand that isn't currently in his boyfriend's.

Awsten moves his head from Geoff's shoulder before turning to him. "Because maybe it's just the fact that my dad fucking died, and you're the only one who seriously gives a shit about how I feel, but all I can think about is the fact that right here, right now, I am so sure that I am in fucking love with you and that scares me."

"Don't feel bad for experiencing love, Awsten." Geoff replied without thinking. "I didn't know him personally but I have the feeling your father would've wanted you to be happy."

"I know." Awsten sighs before setting his head back onto Geoff's shoulder. "Aren't you going to say anything else?"

"I thought it was already painfully obvious. Well, I am in love with you too, Awsten Constantine Knight. How you didn't realize that before this moment in time astounds me."

Awsten sighs loudly, squeezing Geoff's hand. "I did, It was, I just needed to hear it. It was obvious when we pulled the plug, it was obvious when you didn't give a shit that I cried after you lost your virginity, and it was obvious when you sneaked me out of the hospital. And fucking god, it was ridiculously obvious when we had our first kiss. At the time we didn't realize it, it was just potential love, but I have been in love for as long as I've known you on a personal level and I know we're at my dad's funeral right now, but I am so fucking in love with you. I love you so goddamn much and that hurts me because I don't know if I'll ever be able to love someone as much as I do you."

Geoff kissed his boyfriend's forehead before smiling. "I promise you Awsten, I'm not leaving, not anytime soon. I'm not your sister, and I'm not your father, and I'm not your old friends. I am not leaving. I'm staying right here, in your arms, in fucking love."

"Thank you, Geoff. So much. I'm in love with you. Sorry. Just... Needed to say it again. So you know."

"I'm in love with you too, Awsten. Now c'mon, let's get you home."

And for a little while there, life felt okay.


End file.
